PART - III GENERAL JOKES
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The meaning of the tears
A certain man working in a zoo was weeping . The visitors asked the other staff of the zoo "why is this man crying ? " . They answered " Today a big elephant died " . The visitors asked " Was this man very fond of that elephant ? Is he crying because of sadness and sorrow that this elephant died ? " . They answered " No, he is crying because he is the one who has to dig the grave for that big elephant. ".
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The cheating shopkeeper who was caught
A shopkeeper who was selling frozen chicken was having his last frozen chicken . A customer came and asked for frozen chicken .He took out his last piece and showed it to her .She said I want a bigger chicken. The shopkeeper instead of admitting that he had only one piece wanted to cheat her. He pretended as though he was searching and once again brought out the same piece of chicken. The lady looked at it and said "Even this is not big enough so give me both the pieces."
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THE MYSTERY OF WHITE HAIRS
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of gradma's hairs are white?"
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THE MAN WHO WAS ARRESTED FOR SPEEDING
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer," the man began, "I can explain..."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say...,"
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell."I'm the groom."
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THE COWBOY'S THREAT
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking onstrangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.
He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.
"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
"ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back!
He saddles up and starts to ride out of town.
The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner, before you go...what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
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Wisdom
An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom. "Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning. Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length, one of his colleagues whispers, "Say something."
The dean looks intently at his colleagues gathered around him and says, "I should have taken the money
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THE LAWYER WHO WAS A ASKED FOR A DONATION
A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um...no." "--or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, "--or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "--so if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?!?"
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Reasonable Doubt
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But, you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. "But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."
The jury foreman replied, "Oh, we looked, but your client didn't."
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A Bad Day
A little guy is sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink for about a half-hour. A big trouble making truck driver comes up to him, takes the drink from the guy, and drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying." "No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me.
When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. When I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison ..."
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The Generous Lawyer
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One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food.", the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then", says the lawyer.
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered
"Bring them as well", says the lawyer.
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says,"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall."
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The Vaccuum cleaner salesman
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A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners. "Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder." The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."
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BIG JOHN WONT PAY
One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops. A few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back. Did I mention that the driver was five three, thin, and basically meek? Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it.
The next day the same thing happened. Big John got on again, made a big show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.
Finally, he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself. So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!,"
The driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed "AND WHY NOT?!?!"
With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a bus pass"
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Same class
While waiting in the reception room for her first appointment with a new dentist, Sara noticed his certificate, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, she remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in her high school class some 40-odd years ago.
Upon seeing him, however, she quickly discarded the notion. She thought, "This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply-lined face is too old to have been my classmate."
After he had examined her teeth, she asked him if he had attended the local high school.
"Yes," he replied.
"When did you graduate?" she asked.
He answered, "In 1958."
"Why, you were in my class!" she exclaimed.
He looked at her closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"
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The dead donkey
A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, son, but I have some bad news. The donkey died."
Kenny replied, "Well, then, just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Kenny said, "Okay, then, at least give me the donkey."
The farmer said, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Kenny said, "I'm going to raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Kenny replied, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."
A month later, the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"
Kenny said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898."
The farmer asked, "Didn't anyone complain?"
Kenny replied, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.
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The fulfillment of the last request
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Ida Save-a-lot was on her deathbed with an incurable illness, and she said to her family- I want you to gather the three most important people in my life, besides my family- my doctor- Daniel Do-good, my pastor Will B. Dunn, and my attorney, Larry Legal-speak - and tell them to come and visit me because I have one last request for each of them.
So the three were summoned as requested and that evening after dinner there they were at the woman's bedside. She said "Gentlemen, you are the three people I trust most so I am making one final request: Here is an envelope for each of you- each one contains $5000 cash. To honor my memory, I want each of you to place your envelope with the $5000 in it in my casket with me at my funeral."
They all looked at each other oddly, shrugged their shoulders and agreed to honor the request.
Several weeks later, Ms. Save-a-lot passed away and the funeral services were planned. After consoling the family, and paying their final respects each of the three walked up, reverently paused for a moment, then placed an envelope in the casket.
While they were riding back from the cemetery with the funeral director, they looked anxiously at one another, when finally the doctor couldn't take it any more and he said "I must confess- my envelope only contained $500- I used $4500 to buy a new testing machine for my office- if I'd had it before it could have saved Ida's life."
The pastor, wringed his hands and said, I most also confess- I only put $200 in the envelope- Sister Save-a-lot was such a great person of faith, I believe she would have wanted us to buy a new baptistry and hymnals for the church, so that is what I did."
The lawyer glared at them and said "I am disgusted with both of you. In my envelope I placed a personal check in the full amount of $5000!"
Moral of the story: You can't take it with you no matter how hard you try, so "Do your giving while you're living, then you're knowing where it's going."
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SMART WOMAN
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A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Okay says the lawyer, your turn.
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworker, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500. The blonde says, "Thank you", and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
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THE TELEPHONE CALL
Jake and Saul are two old retired widowers who reside close to each other and do constant welfare checks on each other. Much of their relationship is based on pragmatism rather than real friendship or personal affection.
One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Saul opens the morning paper and turns to the Obits page.He gets the shock of his life when he sees his own obituary in the column. He realizes that the query or info on him by the local newspaper several months earlier, was in preparation for this event. He correctly surmises that it is a mistaken entry from their database, premature and erroneous..
It still excites and rankles him, so he calls Jake up. "Jake, are you up yet?" Jake sleepily answers, "Yeah, but I'm only now starting my coffee."
"Jake. open the newspaper to page 31." The paper rustles for a few seconds, then a long silent pause ensues.
Finally, Jake comes on the line quietly and asks fearfully, "So Saul, where are you calling me from right now?"
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WRONG EMAIL ADDRESS
A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years ago.Because both had jobs, they found it difficult coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day.
Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. In his room there was a computer, so he decided to send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error.
The email with the wrong address went to Houston, to a widow who had just returned from her husband's funeral. The dearly departed was a minister of many years who had been called home to glory following a heart attack .The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
"To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived.
I know you are surprised to hear from me! They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
PS: Sure is hot down here! "
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CAKE AND LIES
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Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies' group bake sale, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.
She baked an angel food cake and when she took it from the oven, the center had dropped flat. She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake."
So, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake. Alice found it in the bathroom, a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and covered it with icing. The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the church.
Alice then gave her daughter some money and instructions to be at the sale the minute it opened and to buy that cake and bring it home. When the daughter arrived at the sale, the attractivecake had already been sold.Alice was beside herself.
A couple of days later Alice was invited to a friend's home where two tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon. After the game a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake in question was presented for dessert.
Alice saw the cake, she started to get off her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said, "What a beautiful cake!"
Alice sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess say, "Thank you, I baked it myself."
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MAN IN THE THEATER
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of hismanager.
In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"
"Sam," the man moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied, "The balcony."
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A NEW FOUND MOTHER
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who I haven't seen in a long time."
"That's a shame," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said, "as I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!' It would make me feel so much better."
"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Good bye, Mother!"
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.
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Life After Death
Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes, Sir." the new recruit replied.
"Oh, well that's okay then!" said the boss. "Because after you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you!"
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The Know-it-all
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs.Williams, do you know the defence attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him." At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counsellors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!"
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Last Wishes
Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Rachel, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful, considerate, and wonderful man her late husband had been.
"My Sidney thought of everything", she told them. "Just before he died, he called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. 'Rachel', he told me. 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am gone, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Knowing you'll do this, I can rest in peace'."
"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked. "The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket'. So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably.
"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral'. I made Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods."
"And the third envelope?" asked her friends. "The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone'.
At that point, Rachel held up her hand and pointed to her ring finger, on which was a gorgeous ten carat diamond ring. "So?", said Rachel, "You like my stone?"
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Delivering Bad news Sensitively
Steve, Bob and Jeff are working on a very high scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls off. He is killed instantaneously. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize they'll have to inform his wife. Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job.
After two hours he returns, carrying a large pizza. "So did you tell her?" asks Jeff. "Yep", replies Bob. "Say, where did you get the pizza?" Bob informs Jeff. "She bought it for me."
"WHAT??" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died and she bought you a pizza?" "Sure," Bob says. "WHY?" asks Jeff.
"Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's widow?' 'Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!' So I said: "I'll bet you a pizza you ARE!'"
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Do Something Nice For Dad
Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill."
Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, whichhe also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.
Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find outwhat was going on. "Well," said the other brother, "you said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo."
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A Long Night
A drunk phoned the local police department to report that thieves had been in his car. "They have stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," he cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time, and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," the drunk said with a hiccup. "I got in the back seat by mistake."
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Confessional Troubles
A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. he priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."
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A DRUNKARD'S REQUEST-Give Me A Push
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?" "No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened. "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you," she says. "Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter, and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?" "But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere, he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger, he shouts,
"Where are you?" "I'm over here," the stranger replies, "on your swing."
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FATHER Won't Like It
It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up." "That's mighty nice of you, " Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to." "Awe, come on," the farmer insisted. "Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But Pa won't like it." After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset." "Don't be foolish !" the neighbour said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?" "Under the wagon."
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A guy named John had a really horrible memory. One day John ran into a friend whom he had not seen in a long time. He greeted him & said, "Bill, do you remember what a bad memory I had?" Bill answered, "Yes, I certainly do." "Well, it's not bad any more. I went to a seminar that taught us how to remember things. It was a great seminar, & now I have a wonderful memory."
Bill answered, "That's great! What was the name of the seminar?" "Well," John said, "wait a minute, my wife went with me. I'll ask her." He turned & saw his wife nearby. Then he turned back to Bill & said, "What's the name of that flower with a long stem & thorns & a red bloom?" "Do you mean a rose?" Bill answered, "Yeah, thanks," John said, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of that seminar we attended?"
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
Holmes asked, "What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is omnipotent and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
"What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you meathead. Someone has stolen our tent."
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An anthropologist was studying a primitive tribe in South America that years earlier had been reached by a Christian missionary. After having lived among the tribe for several weeks, the anthropologist met with the tribe's leader. He said, "You have a wonderful culture, but it is a shame that the missionary came and infected your tribe with his religion." The chief replied, "See that rock? That's where we would break the skulls of our enemies. See that tree? That's where we would sacrifice them to our God. And if we had not learned Christ was our Lord, you would be our dinner tonight."
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Misunderstanding, Communication
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A man walked into a doctor's office. "What do you have?" the receptionist asked. "Shingles," he replied. She told him to sit down. Soon a nurse called him and asked, "What do you have?" "Shingles," he replied. She took his blood pressure, weight, and complete medical history. Then she took him to a room and told him to remove all of his clothes. After a few minutes the doctor came in and asked, "What do you have?" "Shingles," the man told him. The doctor looked him up and down and said, "Where?" "Out on the truck. Where do you want me to unload them?"
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The old man who had no enemies
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The subject of the Sunday sermon was "Forgive Your Enemies." After a lengthy sermon, the preacher asked the congregation how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied, he pleaded with the congregation for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This received a response of eighty percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen more minutes and repeated his question. With thoughts of Sunday dinner being delayed, all responded except one old gentleman in the rear. "Mr. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any." "Mr. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "86." "Mr. Jones, please tell the congregation how a man can live to be 86 and not have an enemy in the world." The old man stood and said, "It's easy. They are all dead.I just outlived them."
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THE STRICT DIET
Two Christians follow a strict diet in their eating and live a very long and also very healthy life. They die, and go to heaven.
As they are walking along, marvelling at the paradise around them, one turns to the other and says "Wow. I never knew heaven was going to be as good as this!"
"Yeah", says the other. "And just think, if we hadn't followed that strict diet we could have got here ten years sooner." .
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Judy was have a very tough week. She stopped in at a psychiatrist's kiosk.
She was looking forward to some selfish complaining and a well-deserved pity-party.
"Nobody loves me. The whole world hates me!" she complained.
The psychiatrist looked at her and said, "Now Judy, that simply isn't true. There are a lot of people in this world who have never met you. They don't hate you yet."
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A friend who had been feeling down for a long time decided to see the psychiatrist.
He sat there spilling his guts to the psychiatrist hoping for some words of wisdom for his problem.
The psychiatrist asked a few questions and took a few notes. Then he sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.
Finally, the psychiatrist smiled and said, "Your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers." .
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A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'
"Twenty-six!" he said.
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The dangers of a helping nature
Three men stood on the platform waiting their turn to be beheaded by guillotine; a priest, lawyer and architect/engineer. The priest was taken to the block first and when asked whether he wanted to face up or down, he said he wanted to face up in order to see God when the blade struck. He was placed on the block with his face up as requested and the huge blade was dropped, but the blade stopped an inch above his neck! The crowd gasped. It was considered a sign of his innocence and he was freed.
The lawyer was then led to the block and asked the same question. He said he wanted to face down to see where he was going when the blade struck. He was placed on the block with his face down and the huge blade was dropped, but again it stopped an inch above his neck! The crowd gasped! As before, this was considered a sign of his innocence and he was freed.
When the architect/engineer was led to the block and asked which way he wanted to face he said he wanted to face up and so he was placed on the block with his face up looking at the blade and scaffolding holding it. Seconds before the blade dropped, he turned his head toward the executioner and said "STOP! I think I see what is the problem with this machine". Then they repaired it and killed him with the machine.
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Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. Clearly, they are Russian."
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A prosecuting attorney just could not believe that a jury had found the defendant not guilty.
Astonished, he asked the jury foreman, "How could you possibly have found this man innocent?"
The foreman replied, "Insanity."
The perplexed prosecutor asked, "All twelve of you?"
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This woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?"
The doctor looks her over for a couple of moments, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you one thing...there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."
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The well
Two good ole boys were out walking. They passed through a meadow where the grass was about knee-high. It became apparent that the meadow was an old junkyard. There were old engines, rusted fenders, used appliances, etc. lying about.
Suddenly, they came across a large hole. It looked very deep.
"How deep do you think it is?" said the first.
"I don't know," said the second.
"Let's push this old transmission into the hole and see how far she drops" said the first.
With much effort, the two good ole boys finally pushed and shoved the junky transmission to the edge of the hole and over the edge. After quite some time they heard a faint 'splash'.
"Man, that is some deep hole" one of them said.
As soon as he said this, a billy goat came running out of the nearby woods just as fast as he could go, ran right past the two good ole boys, and dived straight into the hole.
Flabbergasted, the two good ole boys stood there looking at each other, speechless.
A farmer appeared from the woods and asked them "Have you seen my billy goat? He was somewhere around here but it looks like he's run off. He couldn't have gotten far. I had him tied to an old transmission."
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AMERICAN ,SCOT , CANADIAN
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An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, butall three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes.Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.
"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light and then the Canadian and the Scot andI were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and said that for a donation of $50, we could return to earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50 and the next thing I knew I was back here."
"That's amazing!" said the one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"
"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay."
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THE BEST PLACE FOR A PICNIC
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There were these two morons driving along the highway looking for a place to stop and picnic.The first moron says, "Let's stop here, and have our picnic under that tree." The other says, "No! Let's have it right here in the middle of the road." They fought for a bit, but finally agreed to have it in the middle of the road. All of a sudden, a car comes speeding towards them and has to swerve into the tree to keep from hitting them. The second moron says,"See? If we were under that tree, we'd be dead now!"
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SHOULD WE LEARN NEW LANGUAGES ?
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A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting.
"Entschuldigen, konnen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says.The two Americans just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" The two continue to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?" No response.
"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.
The first American turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language...."
"Why?" says the other, "That fellow knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."
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THE DANGER OF DOCTORS
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Think about this:
a. The number of physicians in the US is 700,000.
b. Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year is 120,000.
c. Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171. (US Dept.of Health & Human Services)
Then think about this:
a. The number of gun owners in the US is 80,000,000.
b. The number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) is 1,500.
c. The number of accidental deaths per gun owner .0000188.
Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.
Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets out of hand.
As a public health measure I have withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear that the shock could cause people to seek medical attention
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Latest discovery about nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies:
1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. Africans drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you
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New definitions
Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
Cannibal: Someone who is fed up with people.
Chickens: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
Committee: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
Egotist: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
Gossip: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
Handkerchief: Cold Storage.
Mosquito: An insect that makes you like flies better.
Secret: Something you tell to one person at a time.
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