Tuesday, June 17, 2008

A letter from Dr.Oral Roberts to Pastor Stanley Vasu


Dear Friends
Recently Pastor Stanley Vasu received a letter from Dr.Oral Roberts ( http://www.orm.cc/ ) in reply to an email he had sent.

The humility and the graciousness of the response of the spiritual legend Dr.Oral Roberts was so touching that we felt that we ought to share this letter with you our friends .

We hope that you would enjoy reading it. May God bless you.
Note: Click on the photo to view enlarged version

An Email from Dr.T.L.Osborn to Pastor Stanley Vasu

22 February 2008

Dear Brother Stanley

Greetings, Yes I did send a condolence I hope you were able to receive it.

I read your tribute to our Dear Brother DhinaKaran, you used very wise and good choice in bible text. very good for the family. great job.

With love in Christ

T.L. Osborn

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A TRIBUTE TO DR.D.G.S DHINAKARAN BY PASTOR STANLEY VASU
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This tribute to Dr.D.G.S. Dhinakaran was paid by Pastor Stanley Vasu on Thursday February 21 in the presence of Dr.Paul Dhinakaran and his family during the prayers of consolation conducted at the YMCA grounds Royapettah which was attended by thousands of grieving children of God who came to pay homage to the mortal remains of our beloved Bro.Dr.D.G.S. Dhinakaran.

OUTLINE
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1.LOVE
2.LABOUR
3.LEADERSHIP
4.LIBERALITY
5.LAUGHTER
6.LOYALTY
7.LEGACY

THE TRIBUTE
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1.LOVE

Dr.DGS Dhinakaran was a man of great love. When we spent time with him , we could feel the love of God flowing through him. Through his love and compassion , we can experience the love of God and understand the heart of God.

SCRIPTURE REFERENCES
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MATTHEW 9:36
When he saw the crowds, he had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd.

2.LABOUR

Dr. DGS Dhinakaran was a man of labour . He laboured much for the kingdom of God . Even while he doing secular work he was able to serve the Lord as much as possible. The enormous growth of the Jesus Calls ministry and the establishment of the Karunya University is evidence of the labour of this man of God. He also laboured much in prayers and intercessions through which millions of people were blessed.

SCRIPTURE REFERENCES
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1 CORINTHIANS 15:10

But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect. No, I worked harder than all of them—yet not I, but the grace of God that was with me.

3.LEADERSHIP

Dr.DGS Dhinakaran was a great leader who attracted a huge number of followers all over the world . He also trained and raised thousands of leaders who have established large ministries as a result of the influence and the impartation they received from this man of God.

SCRIPTURE REFERENCES
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2 TIMOTHY 2:2
And the things you have heard me say in the presence of many witnesses entrust to reliable men who will also be qualified to teach others.

4.LIBERALITY

Dr.DGS Dhinakaran was a very liberal and generous person . He had been a good samaritan who helped thousands of people in their moment of distress and desperation. He was truly a friend in need .

SCRIPTURE REFERENCES
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PROVERBS 11:25
A generous man will prosper; he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed.

5.LAUGHTER

Dr.DGS Dhinakaran was a man of laughter and joy. He was not a sad and long faced christian but a happy one. He thoroughly enjoyed humourous stories and laughed heartily whenever he heard them. He often used humour in his sermons as well.

SCRIPTURE REFERENCES
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PROVERBS 17:22
A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.

6.LOYALTY

Dr.DGS Dhinakaran was a man of loyalty . He stood faithful in good times and bad times. He shared both our joys as well as our sorrows . He was not a fair weather friend who abandoned us in difficult times. He was loyal in his relationships.

SCRIPTURE REFERENCES
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JOHN 13:1
Now before the Feast of the Passover, when Jesus knew that His hour had come that He should depart from this world to the Father, having loved His own who were in the world, He loved them to the end.


7.LEGACY

Dr.DGS Dhinakaran has left behind a great legacy for us to follow . He was a legend in our generation and future generations would be amazed to know such a person existed in this world. A turning point in his life was when he heard the challenge given by Dr.T.L.Osborn on the last day of the historic crusade in Madurai in 1961 . Dr.T.L.Osborn challenged everyone that God can use them also in the same way with sign, wonders and miracles . Dr.DGS Dhinakaran took this challenge seriously and sought the Lord fervently until he was endued with power from on high and the rest is history.

The legacy of our Beloved Bro.Dr.DGS Dhinakaran is surely a challenge to everyone of us that God can use us also in the same way. We must follow his legacy and seek God like he did and serve God like he did and the Lord will use each one of us to build His kingdom.
Let us uphold the family left behind by our dear Bro.Dr.DGS Dhinakaran , especially Mrs. Stella Dhinakaran , Dr.Paul Dhinakaran and the family members in our prayers as they continue the ministry of Jesus Calls and Karunya University . May the Lord comfort them and strengthen them and take them from strength to strength and use them mightily for His glory.

SCRIPTURE REFERENCES
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JOHN 14:12
I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father.
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A meeting with Evangelist Peter Youngren


Dear Friends
greetings in Jesus Name. Recently Pastor Stanley Vasu had the wonderful opportunity to meet and have fellowship with the International Evangelist Peter Youngren (http://www.peteryoungren.org/).

Rev. Peter Youngren graciously laid his hands on Pastor Stanley Vasu and offered a prayer of blessing over his life.

An unforgettable meeting with Evangelist Reinhard Bonnke


Dear Friends
greetings in Jesus Name. Recently Pastor Stanley Vasu had a wonderful opportunity to meet with Evangelist Reinhard Bonnke ( cfan.org ) and share his heart with him. They exchanged views about the various aspects of the ministry with particular reference to India .

Dr.Reinhard Bonnke had enjoyed this conversation very much and made the following remarks in his sermon the next day. He said " I was so blessed by the conversation yesterday with Bro.Stanley . Last evening when I went home I was talking about it with my wife".


Dr.Reinhard Bonnke laid his hands on Pastor Stanley Vasu and prayed a prayer of impartation over his life and ministry.

BIBLE STUDIES - A TREASURY OF SPIRITUAL TRUTHS

Read Bible studies written by Dr.Stanley Vasu available on the following link
http://sermoncentral.com/contributor_profile.asp?ContributorID=6233

Thursday, June 12, 2008

A COLLECTION OF HUMOROUS JOKES : PART-I CHURCH JOKES

PART-I CHURCH JOKES
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CHURCH JOKES
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The healing gift :

A preacher said like this : " I have a healing gift. Every time I speak people are healed from insomnia . In other words people who are suffering from inability to sleep are healed while hearing my message and they fall asleep even during my message. Once I was speaking in an open ground in a village. A dog ran and sat down at my feet .I continued speaking and when I finished I looked down and behold the dog was fast asleep. Another time I was listening to my own message on the tape and I fell asleep."

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Confession to the Catholic priest

A catholic priest was celebrating his 25th year of ministry in a particular town. On the occasion the priest said " When I first came to this town 25 years ago I was shocked because the first person who came to confess to me said very shocking sins of corruption and immorality that he had committed. I wondered what kind of people are living in this town. But as the years went by I found out that many wonderful people are living here and I have enjoyed my ministry in this town." After he finished speaking the chief guest arrived at the meeting . The chief guest was a important leader in that town . He spoke and said' " I am sorry for coming late to this meeting. I have known the priest for 25 years . In fact when he came 25 years ago , I was the first person to go and confess my sins to him ".

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Baptism and the angry husband

A non–christian lady secretly took baptism without the husband's knowledge . But somehow somebody told her husband about it. He was angry and was waiting with a stick to beat her . When she came home he asked her " Did you take baptism ?" She replied "yes " . He was so angry that he took the stick to beat her. At that time she said " Please forgive me this time . I wont do it again " .

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Adventures with a Bear

One day an Baptist minister, a catholic priest and a Rabbi agreed to a test of faith and power. Since David defeated a lion and a bear before defeating goliath they decided they would each go into the woods confront a bear if they won the contest they would be indeed be men of God. A couple of weeks later they met at an appointed time and place to report the results of their test. The catholic priest went first. He said, "well I did it. I found a bear, sprinkled holy water on him, said a hail Mary and he knelt and took communion from me." The Baptist minister said, "that's nothing. I found a bear, read him the four spiritual laws, prayed the sinners prayer with him and baptized him in the lake". Now it was obvious by the sorry physical condition of the Rabbi that his encounter had not gone as well. He was a mass of bandages and casts. Through swollen lips the Rabbi whispered, "perhaps I shouldn't have started with circumcision

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THE SPEAKER WHO SPOKE TOO LONG

A guest speaker in a church was speaking for a very long time and would not stop.Most of the people had fallen asleep .But still he would not stop and went on and on. Finally a man in the back became very angry and came forward with a big stick . The speaker saw him coming and gotafraid and said ' Sir , Iam finishing my message' . The man with the big stick replied and told the speaker ' Sir , don't be afraid . This stick is not for you. This stick is for the man who invited you' .

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Refreshing sermon

The minister's sermon on this particular Sunday was considerably longer than normal. However, it was so well prepared and inspiring that he just knew it would be a big hit with the congregation. At the end of the service he stood shaking hands with parishioners as they exited. One man paused and said, "Pastor, your sermon was so invigorating and inspiring and refreshing."
As the minister broke out in a big smile, the man completed his comment by adding, "Why I felt like a new man when I woke up!"

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Smarter than Einstein

At the conclusion of the sermon, the worshipers filed out of the sanctuary to greet the minister. As one of them left, he shook the minister's hand, thanked him for the sermon and said, "Thanks for the message, Reverend. You know, you must be smarter than Einstein."
Beaming with pride, the minister said, "Why, thank you, brother!"
As the week went by, the minister began to think about the man's compliment. The more he thought, the more he became baffled as to why anyone would deem him smarter than Einstein. So he decided to ask the man the following Sunday.
The next Sunday he asked the parishioner if he remembered the previous Sunday's comment about the sermon. The parishionerreplied that he did. The minister asked: "Exactly what did you mean that I must be smarter than Einstein?"
The man replied, "Well, Reverend, they say that Einstein was so smart that only ten people in the entire world could understand him. But Reverend, not even one person can understand you when you speak.

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The Pastor's Hospital visit

Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol'Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket. At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read, "Pastor, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"

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The Pastors's Faith

For the umpteenth time Mrs. Youngston came to her pastor to tell him, "I'm so scared! Joe says he's going to kill me if I continue to come to your church." Yes, yes, my child," replied the pastor, more than a little tired of hearing this over and over. "I will continue to pray for you, Mrs. Youngston. Have faith - the Lord will watch over you."

"Oh yes, he has kept me safe thus far, only....." "Only what, my child?" Well, now he says if I keep coming to your church, he's going to kill YOU!"
"Well, now," said the pastor, "Perhaps it's time to check out that little church on the other side of town."

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THE PRAYER REQUEST

A pastor with poor eyesight glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher. The note read: "Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."
Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing: "Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."

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A DRUNKARD AND THE CATHOLIC PRIEST

A drunk man who smelled like cheap wine sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man." "Well, I'll be hornswaggled," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does".

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The Man who was declared a 'Saint '

In a small town, there were two brothers who, over the course of many years, cheated, swindled, robbed and generally stole from everyone that they ever did business with. The entire town and surrounding community reviled and despised these two brothers as everyone was aware of just how disreputable and dishonest they were.
One day, one of the brothers mysteriously died. Although they had never attended church, the one remaining brother went to the local pastor and offered vast sums of money if he would come to the funeral and say the appropriate words, AND, a large bonus, but ONLY if he would - during the course of the eulogy -refer to his brother as "a Saint." The pastor was troubled by the request, however, it was a very poor church and the church desperatelyneeded repairs. The Parishioners had heard about the pastor's dilemma and were curious as to what he would do. The Funeral began, the church was packed, and the pastor started with the usual prayers and followed the rites and traditions as required by the churches teachings. In closing, after referring to the man in the box, he paused and turned to face the remaining brother. He began, "As you all know, the departed was an awful individual who robbed, cheated, swindled and stole from everyone he ever did business with. However, compared to his Brother, he was - "a Saint!"

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GOD'S REPRESENTATIVE

A college professor, an avowed atheist, was teaching his class. He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated he was going to prove there was no God. Addressing the ceiling he shouted: "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!" The lecture room fell silent. You could have heard a pin fall. Ten minutes went by. Again he taunted God, saying, "Here I am, God. I'm still waiting."
His countdown got down to the last couple of minutes when a Marine - just released from active duty and newly registered in the class - walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him tumbling from his lofty platform. The professor was out cold! The students were shocked and babbled in confusion. The young Marine took a seat in the front row and sat silent. The class fell silent...waiting. Eventually, the professor came to, shaken. He looked at the young Marine in the front row. When the professor regained his senses and could speak he asked: "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?"
"God was busy. He sent me."

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DO NOT STEP ON A DUCK

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven ... don't step on the ducks." So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck, and along came St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same punishment as the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, tan, muscular, and with good hair. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
And the guy says, "Well, I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."

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THE MOTHER-IN-LAW WHO DIED IN JERUSALEM

A man's mother-in-law was vacationing in Israel. While there his mother-in-law died during her sleep one night.He was told that he had two choices on burial. One was that he could bury her in Israel for $100, the other was to transport her body back to the United States and bury her there but that would cost at least $5000.00. After a short thought he stated he would transport her back to the US. The officials said that he must really love his mother-in-law to be willing to spend an enormous amount of money to transport her back to the US to be buried.
He said "actually I have heard that a long time ago in Israel there was a man that no one wanted that when he died he was buried and three days later rose up from the dead. I cannot take that chance."

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THE CHOIR MEMBER WHO COULD NOT SING

A church had a man in the choir who couldn't sing. Several people hinted to him that he could serve in other places, but he continued to come to the choir. The choir director became desperate and went to the pastor.
"You've got to get that man out of the choir," he said. "If you don't, I'm going to resign. The choir members are going to quit too. Please do something."
So the pastor went to the man and suggested, "Perhaps you should leave the choir."
"Why should I get out of the choir?" he asked.
"Well, five or six people have told me you can't sing."
That's nothing," the man snorted. "Fifty people have told me that you can't preach!"

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STAMMERING SALESMAN
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Norman had a serious speech impediment but he was determined to get the job advertised at the local Bible shop. However when he went for his interview the manager became concerned about his ability to do the job.
"You understand this job involves selling Bibles to people at the door, don't you, Norman?""Y-y-y-y-yes s-s-s-sir, n-n-n-n-n-no pr-pr-problem!"
Scratching his head, the manager went out back to ask the big boss how they should handle it. He wouldn't want Norman to make a fool of himself.
"Just tell him he has to sell fifty Bibles a day," said the boss, "that'll get rid of him!"
Back at the manager's desk. . . "Fifty Bibles, Norman, that's the minimum per day," Are you sure you want this job?"
"Def-def-def-def-definitely, Sir. Giv-giv-give me the fi-fi-fi-fi-fifty B-B-B-B-Bibles."
Two hours later Norman was back. He'd sold every Bible.
"How on earth did you do it!? Norman?" asked both men, wide-eyed.
"It w-w-w-w-was eas-eas-eas-eas-eas-easy," said Norm. "I j-j-j-j-just kno-kno-kno-knocked on the d-d-d-d-door, and w-w-w-w-when th-th-th-they answered I j-j-j-j-just s-s-s-said, 'w-w-w-w-w-w-would you l-l-l-l-l-like to b-b-b-b-b-buy a B-B-B-B-B-Bible or w-w-w-w-w-w-w-would you l-l-l-l-l-like me to r-r-r-r-read it to you?'"
"They b-b-b-bought it str-str-str-straight away!"

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PASTOR AND CHOIR DIRECTOR
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There was a feud between the Pastor and the Choir Director of the Hicksville Non-denominational Church. It seems the first hint of trouble came when the Pastor preached on dedicating yourselves to service and the Choir Director chose to sing: "I Shall Not be Moved." Trying to believe it was a coincidence, the Pastor put the incident behind him.
The next Sunday he preached on giving. Afterwards, the choir squirmed as the Director led them in the hymn: "Jesus Paid It All." By this time, the Pastor was losing his temper. Sunday morning attendance swelled as the tension between the two built. A large crowd showed up the next week to hear his sermon on the sin of gossiping. Would you believe the Choir Director selected: "I Love To Tell The Story"? There was no turning back.
The following Sunday the Pastor told the congregation that unless something changed he was considering resigning. The entire church gasped when the Choir Director led them in: "Why Not Tonight."
Truthfully, no one was surprised when the Pastor resigned a week later, explaining that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was leading him away. The Choir Director could not resist: "What a Friend We Have In Jesus."

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DANGEROUS MEMORY LOSS
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A large seminar was held for ministers in training. Among the speakers were many well-known motivational speakers. One such speaker boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!"
The crowd was shocked!
He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!"
The crowd burst into laughter and he gave the rest of his speech which went over quite well. About a week later, one of the young ministers dwho had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly approached the pulpit one Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head, but it seemed a bit foggy to him.
Getting to the microphone, he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman, and that woman was not my wife!"
His congregation was shocked.
After standing there for about ten seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, "And I cant remember who she was!"

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A rather pompous-looking deacon was endeavoring to impress upon a class of boys the importance of living the Christian life. "Why do people call me a Christian?" the man asked. After a moment's pause, one youngster said, "Maybe it's because they don't know you."

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There's a story told of a husband and wife both of who were doctors - one a doctor of theology and the other a doctor of medicine. When their doorbell was rung and the maid answered, the inquirer would often ask for "the doctor". The maid's interesting reply was: "Do you want the one who preaches or the one who practices?"

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PRIEST AND TAXI DRIVER IN HEAVEN

Saint Peter welcomed both a priest and a taxi driver. He started addressing the taxidriver, pointing toward a Palace. Well deserved : Mr. taxidriver, these are the keys of your mansion. When the priest saw this reward given to the taxidriver thought :wow! I wonder what is my reward since I have done more that the taxidriver, But Peter told to the priest. "I have for you only a little room"...what on the world? ... well the reason the taxidriver got more than you was that everytime the taxi driver drove his taxicab..people prayed..and everytime you preached, people slept...

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The Nationality of Jesus

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There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black: 1. He called everyone "brother."2. He liked Gospel.3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure he was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:

1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was work to do.

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THE WOMAN DRIVER AND THE POLICEMAN
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A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in frontof him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through theintersection with him. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the policestation where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the bookingdesk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn,flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

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Want to Go to Heaven
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Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

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The senility prayer
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God, please grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do like and the eyesight to tell the difference.

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After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you!," the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."

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Things you never hear in church
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1. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.
2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.
3. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
4. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
5. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
6. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.
7. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!
8. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.
9. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
10. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!

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THE MENU FOR DINNER
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The young couple invited their parson for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what was his mother cooking for dinner.
"Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'"

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OPENING A NUMBER LOCK
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The temporary Sunday School teacher was struggling to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet. She had been told the combination, but couldn't quite remember it. Finally she went to the pastor's study and asked for help.
The pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial. After the first two numbers he paused and stared blankly for a moment. Finally he look serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently. Then he looked back at the lock, and quickly turned to the final number, and opened the lock.
The teacher was amazed. "I'm in awe at your faith, pastor," she said.
"It's really nothing," he answered. "The number is on a piece of tape on the ceiling."

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MODERN TECHNOLOGY IN CHURCH
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A rich man went to his pastor and said, "I want you and your wife to take a three month trip to the Holy Land at my expense. When you come back, I'll have a surprise for you". The pastor accepted the offer and he and his wife went off to the Middle East.

Three months later they returned home and were met by the wealthy parishioner, who told them while they were gone, he had had a new church built. "It's the finest building money can buy, pastor," said the man, "No expense was spared." And he was right. It was a magnificent edifice both outside and in.
But there was one striking difference. There was only one pew and it was at the very back. "A church with only one pew?" asked the pastor.
"You just wait until Sunday." said the rich man.

When the time came for the Sunday service, the early arrivals entered the church, filed onto the one pew and sat down. When the pew was full, a switch clicked silently, a circuit closed, the gears meshed, a belt moved and, automatically, the rear pew began to move forward. When it reach the front of the church it came to a stop. At the same time, another empty pew came up from below at the back and more people sat down. And so it continued, pews filling and moving forwards until finally the church was full, from front to back.

"Wonderful!" said the pastor, "Marvelous!"

The service began, and the pastor started to preach his sermon. He launched into his text and, when 12 o'clock came, he was still going strong with no end in sight. Suddenly a bell rang and a trap door in the floor behind the pulpit dropped open and the pastor disappeared.

"Wonderful!" said the congregation, "Marvelous!"

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30 HUMOROUS ANNOUNCEMENTS IN CHURCH BULLETINS
*****************************************************

1. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 pm at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
2. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
3. The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
4. Evening massage - 6 p.m.
5. Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.
6. Ushers will eat latecomers.
7. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
8. Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
9. Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
10. Offering Song : "Jesus Paid It All"
11. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
12. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
13. A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
14. Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.
15. On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better.
16. Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.
17. Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.
18. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
19. we are happy to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
20. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
21. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
22. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
23. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."
24. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
25. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
26. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
27. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
28. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
29. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
30. This evening at 7 P. M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

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THE TEN COMMANDMENTS IN CAJUN STYLE
******************************************

1. God is number one... and das' All.
2. Don't pray to nuttin' or nobody... jus' God.
3. Don't cuss nobody... 'specially da Good Lord.
4. When it be Sunday... pass yo'self by God's House.
5. Yo mama an' yo daddy dun did it all... lissen to dem.
6. Killin' duck an' fish, das' OK... people - No!
7. God done give you a wife... sleep wit' jus' her.
8. Don't take nobody's boat... or nuttin' else.
9. Don't go wantin' somebody's stuff.
10. Stop lyin'... yo tongue gonna fall out yo mouf!

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Top Ten Things People Won't Say When They See the Christian Bumper Sticker or Fish Symbol On Your Car:
************************************************************************

10. "Look! Let's stop that car and ask those folks how we can become Christians."
9. "Don't worry, Billy, those people are Christians -- they must have a good reason for driving 90 miles an hour."
8. "What a joy to be sharing the highway with another car of Spirit- filled brothers and sisters."
7. "Isn't it wonderful how God blessed that Christian couple with a brand-new BMW?"
6. "Dad, how come people who drive like that don't get thrown in jail?" "Dad, can we get a bumper sticker like that, too?"
5. "Stay clear of those folks, Martha. If they get raptured, that car's gonna be all over the road!"
4. "Oh, look! That Christian woman is getting a chance to share Jesus with a police officer."
3. "No, that's not garbage coming out of their windows, Bert -- it's probably gospel tracts for the road workers."
2. "Oh, boy, we're in trouble now! We just rear-ended one of God's cars."
1. "Quick, Alice, honk the horn or they won't know that we love Jesus!"

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EXCLUSIVE PRAYER
***************
A businessman who needed millions of dollars to clinch an important deal went to church to pray for the money. By chance he knelt next to a man who was praying for $100 to pay an urgent debt. The businessman took out his wallet and pressed $100 into the other man's hand. Overjoyed, the man got up and left the church. The businessman then closed his eyes and prayed, "And now, Lord, that I have your undivided attention..."

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JESUS DIED BETWEEN TWO THIEVES
*******************************
The old preacher had spent 40 years pastoring in the same church and was highly respected in the community. The end of his life was drawing near and as he lay on his death bed he ask for the local banker and the local lawyer to come and spend his last hours with him.
Both were impressed that they would be ask and discussed amoung themselves what great pearl of wisdom the old pastor wished to share with them. As they enter his room he motioned for one to sit on his left and one on his right.
As they sat down a great peace came upon the man of God, 30 minutes passed and not a word was spoken. Finially the banker leaned forward and ask, Reverend, we were wondering what great pearl of wisdom you may want to share with us since you called us here.
The old preacher looked at him and replied, "as you know Jesus has been my example all my life, and since he died between two theives I decided thats the way I wanted to go".

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PASTOR AND THE INFECTIOUS DISEASE
********************************
One morning the pastor got a call from Frank asking him to come and pray for his mother who was very, very sick. The pastor knew Frank and his family because they had attended his church for a while, but they got offended at something and started going to another church across town. The pastor immediately felt good that in this family's time of crisis they had come to him to ask for prayer.
The pastor suspected that they got offended again, and had quit going to the other church, so he said, "I am glad you've asked me to visit your mom for prayer, and of course I will go, but shouldn't you be asking Pastor Jackson at your new church to come and pray with your mom?"
Frank replied, "Yeah, but we didn't want to take the chance that he might catch whatever Mom has."

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GETTING RID OF MICE FROM THE CHURCH
***********************************

Three pastors were having lunch together at a diner. The first pastor said, "Ya know, since summer started, I've been having trouble with mice in my church. I've tried everything -- noise, spray, cats -- nothing seems to scare them away.
The second pastor said, "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in the basement of the church. I've set traps and even called an expert to get rid of them, yet they still won't go away."
The third pastor said, "I had the same problem so I baptized all mine and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!"

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PENTECOSTAL PASTOR AND A DEAD DOG
**********************************

A man came to the Pentecostal Church and asked to see the pastor. "Pastor," he said, "My dog died and I would like a Christian burial for him."The Pastor said, "I'm sorry to hear about your dog, but we spirit-filled Pentecostals don't do funerals for dogs. You might try the Baptist church down the street. Baptists will do most anything." The man turned sadly and said, "I'm sorry you won't do my dog's funeral, but I understand. I'll try the Baptist church. But would you tell me how much is appropriate to leave for a memorial for the church? I was thinking of giving a $10,000 memorial in honor of my dog." "Wait a minute," the pastor said. " I will do the funeral . You should have told me about the offering in the beginning"

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The Bible in 30 seconds
*************************

God made. Adam bit. Noah arked. Abraham split. Joseph ruled. Jacob fooled. Bush talked. Moses balked. Pharaoh plagued. People walked. Sea divided. Tablets guided. Promise landed. Saul freaked. David peeked. Prophets warned. Jesus born. God walked. Love talked. Anger crucified. Hope died. Love rose. Spirit flamed. Word spread. God remained!

*****************************************************

The pastor and the eggs
**********************************

The elderly pastor was searching his closet for his collar before church one Sunday morning. In the back of the closet, he found a small box containing three eggs and 100 $1 bills. He called his wife into the closet to ask her about the box and its contents.
Embarrassed, she admitted having hidden the box there for their entire 45 years of marriage. Disappointed and hurt, the pastor asked her, "WHY?" The wife replied that she hadn't wanted to hurt his feelings.
He asked her how the box could have hurt his feelings. She said that every time during their marriage that he had delivered a poor sermon, she had placed an egg in the box.
The pastor felt that three poor sermons in 45 years was certainly nothing to feel bad about, so he asked her what the $100 was for.
She replied, "Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbors for $1."

************************************************

Shopper's prayer
*********************

Armani, which art in Neiman's Hallowed by thy shoes
Thy Prada come Thy shopping done On Rodeo As it is in Paris.
Give us this day, our Visa Gold, And Forgive us our balance As we forgive those who charge us interest.
Lead us not into Penney's And deliver us from Sears.
For thine is the Chanel, the Gaultier and the Versace
For Dolce and Gabbana
AMEX

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ENTRANCE TEST TO HEAVEN
**********************

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that inorder to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."
The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic."
St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odorsthat this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "about 1,500."
"That's right! You may enter."
St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

*******************************

BASIC CONDITION TO ENTER HEAVEN
*******************************

If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" Iasked the children in my Sunday School class. "NO!" the children all answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard,and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?" Again, the answer was, "NO!"
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me intoHeaven?" I asked them again. Again, they all answered, "NO!"
"Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"

***************************************************

ATHEIST AND GOD
******************

An atheist was walking through the woods, admiring all the "accidents" that evolution had created. "What majestic trees!What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to look, he saw a 7-footgrizzly bear charge towards him. He ran away as fast as he could up the path.
He looked over his shoulder and saw the grizzly was closing. Somehow he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to hiseyes. He looked again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding, and he tried to run faster. He tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but the bear was right over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw to strike him.
At that instant the atheist cried, "Oh my God!" Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all these years, teach othersthat I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light and said, "I would feel like a hypocrite to become a Christian after all theseyears, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice.
The light went out. The river ran. The sounds of the forest resumed. Then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both pawstogether, bowed its head, and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

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PART-II MARRIAGE JOKES

PART -II MARRIAGE JOKES
*************************

MARRIAGE JOKES
*************

The funeral procession
***********************

Tom was on the side of the road and noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.A long black hearse was followed by another long black hearse about 50 feet back..
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull on a leash.Behind that were 200 men walking single file..Tom couldn't stand the curiosity..
He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "Sir, I know this is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
The man replied "Well, that first hearse is for my wife."
Tom asked, "What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog bit her and she died."
Tom inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned and bit her and she died."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
Tom asks, "Sir, could I borrow that dog?"
He replied, "Get in line along with the 200 others who are following me asking for the dog."

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A young couple, were getting married in church. However, Sue the wife was very nervous about the big occasion and so the vicar chose one verse that he felt would be a great encouragement to them.
The verse was 1 John 4:18 which says: "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear" (I John 4:18)
Rather unwisely, the vicar asked the best man to read it out and to say that the vicar had felt that this was a very apt verse for Sue and that he would be preaching on it later in the service.
However the best man was not a regular churchgoer. And so he did not know the difference between John's Gospel and the first letter of John. So he introduced his reading by saying that the vicar felt that it was a very apt verse for Sue. But he read John 4:18, which says
"You have had five husbands and the one that you now have is not your husband."

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Selecting a husband

Recently a "Husband Shopping Center" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.
The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; If you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.
A couple of girls went to the shopping centre to find some husbands...

First floor. The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.


Second floor. The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." Hmmm, said the ladies. But, I wonder what's further up?


Third floor. This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." Wow! said the women. Very tempting, BUT, there's more further up! And up they went.


Fourth floor. This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me. But just think! What must be awaiting us further on!" So up to the fifth floor they went.


Fifth floor. The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please!"

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LOVE VS MARRIAGE

1.Love is holding hands in the street, Marriage is holding arguments in the street.
2. Love is dinner for 2 in your favourite restaurant, Marriage is Taco Bell drive through.
3. Love is cuddling on a sofa, Marriage is deciding on a sofa.
4. Love is talking about having children, Marriage is talking about getting away from children.
5. Love is going to bed early, Marriage is going to sleep early.
6. Love is losing your appetite, Marriage is losing your figure.
7. Love is sweet nothing in the ear, Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank.
8. Love is a flickering flame, Marriage is a flickering television.
9. Love is 1 drink and 2 straws, Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough?"
10. Love is staying awake all night holding each other. Marriage is staying awake all night having an argument
11. Love is driving to 'lovers lane' Marriage is driving to the supermarket
12. Love is skipping work to be close to her. Marriage is working overtime to keep away from her

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A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. "What in hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!"
"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice night", said the officer.

****************************************************

A couple had been married for 25 years and also celebrated their birthdays on the same date. During their 60th birthday celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would grant them one wish each. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and 'poof' she had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."
The fairy picked up her wand, and 'poof' he was 90 years old.

********************************************************

Once when Mark Twain was lecturing in Utah, a Mormon acquaintance argued with him on the subject of polygamy. After a long and rather heated debate, the Mormon finally said, "Can you find for me a single passage of Scripture which forbids having more than one wife?" "Certainly," replied Twain. "'No man can serve two masters.'"

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THE GUARDIAN ANGEL

Walking down the street one day, a woman heard a voice yell, "Stop! If you take one more step you will be killed!"
The woman stopped, and seconds later a brick fell and landed in her path. A minute or two after that, she was getting ready to cross the street when the same voice bellowed, "Halt! Don't cross the street now!"
An out-of-control beer truck soon careened around the corner and didn't even slow down as it ran the red light.
Shaken, the woman asked out loud, "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice replied.
On hearing this the woman cried and said. "Where were you on my wedding day?"

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Dangerous Food

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. "Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. "But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake"

*******************************************************

Young Son: Dad, is it true that in some parts of Africaa man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: Son, I've got news for you,that happens in every country.

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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
The father replied, "Gee, I don't know son. I'm still paying."

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Q: If your dog is barking at the back door...
and your wife is yelling at the front door...
whom do you let in first?
A: The dog of course.
At least he'll shut up after you let him in.

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In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested.
Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

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Phil and Jill had been married for many years but now were in divorce court.
The judge asked, "Phil, is it true that the last three years of your marriage, you did not speak to Jill?"
Phil replies, "Yes Judge, that is correct."
"And how do you explain this unusual conduct?" the judge inquires.
Phil replies, "I didn't want to interrupt her Your Honor."

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WOMEN'S ENGLISH

Yes = No.
No = Yes.
Maybe = No Way.
We need = I want.
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry.
We need to talk = I need to complain.
Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead.
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
You're so .... manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like.

MEN'S ENGLISH:

I'm hungry = I'm hungry.
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.
I'm tired = I'm tired.

************************************************

Husbandisms
**********

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it. - Ann Bancroft

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. - Rita Rudner

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. - Benjamin Franklin

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. - Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. - Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Milton Berle

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. - Henny Youngman

At a party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with bald head and a big gut, and still think they are beautiful. - Anonymous

**************************************************

THE SINGING WIFE

Joe's wife likes to sing so she decided to join the church choir. From time to time she would practice while she was in the kitchen preparing dinner. Whenever she would start singing a song, Joe would go outside and sit on the porch.
His wife, with hurt feelings, said, "What's the matter, Joe? Don't you like my singing?" Joe replied, "Honey, I love your singing, but I just want to make sure the neighbors know I'm not beating you."

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A young man went into the drug store and told the druggist he wanted to buy 3 boxes of candy; a one pound box, a 3 pound box, and a 5 pound box. The druggist brought the candy then asked, "I'm curious why you're getting 3 different boxes."
The young man replied, "I have a date tonight with a girl I've been wanting to date for months. I'm going to her house for dinner and, afterwards, if she goes out to sit with me on the swing, I'll give her the 1 pound box; if she lets me put my are around her, I'll give her the 3 pound box, and if she lets me kiss her, I'll give her the 5 pound box." The druggist agreed that the plan was ingenious.
That night the boy arrived for dinner and when they sat down to eat, the father asked the boy to say the blessing. Well, the boy prayed and prayed and prayed until the girl had to elbow him to stop. Afterwards as they sat on the porch swing, the girl said, "I didn't know you were so religious." To which the young man replied, "And I didn't know your Daddy was the druggist."

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MEN AND WOMEN AT THE FUNERAL

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non- antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable for the farmer and his new bride. While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways... At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply. Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy and I would nod my head and say 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't, it's all booked up for a year.'"

********************************************************

WHAT WOMEN WANT
***************

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals So the monarch offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.... The question: What do women really want?
Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, and the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch. Only she would know the answer. The price would be high; the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he'd have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry him. Young Arthur was horrified: She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, and made obscene noises. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature. Finally, having no real choice, he agreed. Their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: What a woman really wants is to be in charge of her own life. Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was. The neighboring monarch granted Arthur total freedom. What a wedding Arthur and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. He was proper as always, gentle, and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display, and generally made everyone very uncomfortable. The hour approached. Arthur, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom.
But what a sight awaited him! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! The astounded Arthur asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she'd appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible, deformed self half the time, and the other half she would be her beautiful maiden self.
Which would he want her to be during the day, and which during the night? What a cruel question! Arthur pondered his predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman with whom to enjoy many intimate moments? What would you do? What Arthur chose follows below......
but don't read until you've made your own choice....... . . . . . . .

Noble Arthur replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

What is the moral of this story?
The moral is: If your woman doesn't get her own way, things are going to get ugly!

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The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect.
Later that morning he went to a local card and novelty shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss." He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said, "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

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A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man.
The father invites the fiancee to his study for a chat. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.
"I am a Bible college student." he replies.
"A Bible college student. Hmmm," the father says. "admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance. The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"
The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."

*********************************************************

Adam was returning home late one night. When Eve confronted him. "You are seeing another woman, aren't you?" she accused.
"Don't be silly," he replied. "You are the only woman on earth."
Later that night Adam woke up feeling a tickle on his chest. "What are you doing?" he asked Eve.
"What do you think?" she asked. "I am counting your ribs."

*********************************************

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful .. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOSH! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOSH! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ..CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "Now you know what it feels like when I'm driving."

*********************************************************

A Dad and son were talking the other night about love and marriage.
Dad told the son that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to his Momwould be like. It seems the minister asked the Mom, "Do you take this man tobe your husband." And she said, "I do."
Then the minister asked his Dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife,"and his Mom said, "He does."

**********************************************

The Rosenthals had an outstandingly happy and successful marriage, and Mr.Rosenthal was once asked to what he attributed this remarkable situation.
"It's simple," he said. "Division of labor. My wife makes all the small,routine decisions. She decides what house we buy, where we go on vacation,whether the kids go to private schools, if I should change my job, and so on."
"And you?"
"I make the big, fundamental decisions. I decide if the United States should declare war on China, if Congress should appropriate money for a manned expedition to Mars, and so on."

********************************************

At a country-club party a young man was introduced to an attractive girl. Immediately he began paying her court and flattering her outrageously. The girl liked the young man, but she was taken a bit aback by his fast and ardent pitch. She was amazed when after 30 minutes he seriously proposed marriage.
"Look," she said. "We only met a half hour ago. How can you be so sure? We know nothing about each other."
"You're wrong," the young man declared.
"For the past 5 years I've been working in the bank where your father has his account."

******************************************

I was scheduled to fly from North Carolina to Germany, where my husband was stationed in the military. As I checked in at the airport, the ticket agent asked me some standard security questions. "Has anyone given you any packages that you didn't pack yourself?" he asked.
I told him that my mother-in-law had given me a parcel to take to her son.
He looked at me very carefully and asked: "Does she like you?"

***********************************

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.
"The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. Entertain.And stay home at night!"
An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Girl, if that's all you want, get a TV!"

****************************************

After shopping at a busy store, another woman and I happened to leave at the same time, only to be faced with the daunting task of finding our cars in the crowded parking lot. Just then my car horn beeped, and I was able to locate my vehicle easily.
Wow," the woman said. "I sure could use a gadget like that to help me find my car."
"Actually," I replied, "that's my husband."

**************************************

I had to go on a business trip the day after my honeymoon, so I decided to purchase a gift for my new wife.
At an airport gift shop, I found a coffee mug imprinted with the words, "I love you" inside a beautiful red heart.Confident the mug would please my wife, I asked to have it wrapped.
She beamed when I gave it to her at dinner that night, but her face fell when she saw the writing on the back of the mug.
It read, "Grandpa."

*****************************************************

On their 50th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the reason for their long and happy marriage.
The husband said, "I have tried never to be selfish. After all, there is no 'I' in the word 'marriage.'''
The wife said, "For my part, I have never corrected my husband's spelling."

***************************************************

When my sister Andrea got married, she asked to wear my mother's wedding dress. The day she tried it on for the first time I was sitting with Mother in the living room as Andrea descended the stairs. The gown was a perfect fit on her petite frame. Mother's eyes welled with tears. I put my arm around her.
"You're not losing a daughter," I reminded her in time-honored fashion. "You're gaining a son."
"Oh, forget about that!" she said with a sob. "I used to fit into that dress!"

*******************************************

My kindergarten-aged daughter suddenly announced just before school that she needed to take a clean tee shirt to class. She told us the teacher was going to iron an anti-drug message on it.
My wife frantically swept through my daughter's room, finding nothing usable but one tee shirt that already had something printed on one side. She sent it off to school with my daughter. That afternoon, my daughter returned and happily showed off her shirt.
On one side it said, "Families are Forever."
And on the other, "Be Smart, Don't Start."

**********************************************

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please mama!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!"

*************************************************

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Tom and his wife Peg listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"
The rest of the story is not pleasant.

****************************************

Heather and Marcy hadn't seen each other in awhile, so they decided to meet for lunch.
The talk naturally got around to their respective love lives. Marcy confided that there really wasn't anyone special in her life. Heather, on the other hand, was beaming about the new man she had found.
"He's perfect. He's handsome, and last night when we went out to dinner, he said the four little words I've been waiting to hear a man say to me!"
"Did he say 'will you marry me'?" Marcy asked.
Heather replied, "No, he said 'put your money away'."

***************************************************************************************************************************

PART-III GENERAL JOKES

PART - III GENERAL JOKES
***************************************************************

The meaning of the tears

A certain man working in a zoo was weeping . The visitors asked the other staff of the zoo "why is this man crying ? " . They answered " Today a big elephant died " . The visitors asked " Was this man very fond of that elephant ? Is he crying because of sadness and sorrow that this elephant died ? " . They answered " No, he is crying because he is the one who has to dig the grave for that big elephant. ".

*******************************************************************************

The cheating shopkeeper who was caught

A shopkeeper who was selling frozen chicken was having his last frozen chicken . A customer came and asked for frozen chicken .He took out his last piece and showed it to her .She said I want a bigger chicken. The shopkeeper instead of admitting that he had only one piece wanted to cheat her. He pretended as though he was searching and once again brought out the same piece of chicken. The lady looked at it and said "Even this is not big enough so give me both the pieces."

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THE MYSTERY OF WHITE HAIRS

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of gradma's hairs are white?"

******************************

THE MAN WHO WAS ARRESTED FOR SPEEDING

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer," the man began, "I can explain..."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say...,"
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell."I'm the groom."

*******************************************************************

THE COWBOY'S THREAT

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking onstrangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.
He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.
"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
"ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back!
He saddles up and starts to ride out of town.
The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner, before you go...what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

**********************************************************

Wisdom

An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom. "Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning. Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length, one of his colleagues whispers, "Say something."
The dean looks intently at his colleagues gathered around him and says, "I should have taken the money

**********************************************************

THE LAWYER WHO WAS A ASKED FOR A DONATION

A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um...no." "--or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, "--or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "--so if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?!?"

******************************************************************
Reasonable Doubt

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But, you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. "But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."
The jury foreman replied, "Oh, we looked, but your client didn't."

************************************************************

A Bad Day

A little guy is sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink for about a half-hour. A big trouble making truck driver comes up to him, takes the drink from the guy, and drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying." "No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me.
When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. When I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison ..."

**********************************************

The Generous Lawyer
*****************

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food.", the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then", says the lawyer.
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered
"Bring them as well", says the lawyer.
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says,"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall."
_________________________________________________________________

The Vaccuum cleaner salesman
**************************

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners. "Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder." The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."

***************************************************************************************

BIG JOHN WONT PAY

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops. A few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back. Did I mention that the driver was five three, thin, and basically meek? Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it.
The next day the same thing happened. Big John got on again, made a big show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.
Finally, he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself. So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!,"
The driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed "AND WHY NOT?!?!"
With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a bus pass"

**********************************************************

Same class

While waiting in the reception room for her first appointment with a new dentist, Sara noticed his certificate, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, she remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in her high school class some 40-odd years ago.
Upon seeing him, however, she quickly discarded the notion. She thought, "This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply-lined face is too old to have been my classmate."

After he had examined her teeth, she asked him if he had attended the local high school.
"Yes," he replied.
"When did you graduate?" she asked.
He answered, "In 1958."
"Why, you were in my class!" she exclaimed.
He looked at her closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"

*********************************************

The dead donkey

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, son, but I have some bad news. The donkey died."
Kenny replied, "Well, then, just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Kenny said, "Okay, then, at least give me the donkey."
The farmer said, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Kenny said, "I'm going to raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Kenny replied, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."
A month later, the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"
Kenny said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898."
The farmer asked, "Didn't anyone complain?"
Kenny replied, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.

************************************************

The fulfillment of the last request
**************************

Ida Save-a-lot was on her deathbed with an incurable illness, and she said to her family- I want you to gather the three most important people in my life, besides my family- my doctor- Daniel Do-good, my pastor Will B. Dunn, and my attorney, Larry Legal-speak - and tell them to come and visit me because I have one last request for each of them.

So the three were summoned as requested and that evening after dinner there they were at the woman's bedside. She said "Gentlemen, you are the three people I trust most so I am making one final request: Here is an envelope for each of you- each one contains $5000 cash. To honor my memory, I want each of you to place your envelope with the $5000 in it in my casket with me at my funeral."
They all looked at each other oddly, shrugged their shoulders and agreed to honor the request.
Several weeks later, Ms. Save-a-lot passed away and the funeral services were planned. After consoling the family, and paying their final respects each of the three walked up, reverently paused for a moment, then placed an envelope in the casket.
While they were riding back from the cemetery with the funeral director, they looked anxiously at one another, when finally the doctor couldn't take it any more and he said "I must confess- my envelope only contained $500- I used $4500 to buy a new testing machine for my office- if I'd had it before it could have saved Ida's life."
The pastor, wringed his hands and said, I most also confess- I only put $200 in the envelope- Sister Save-a-lot was such a great person of faith, I believe she would have wanted us to buy a new baptistry and hymnals for the church, so that is what I did."
The lawyer glared at them and said "I am disgusted with both of you. In my envelope I placed a personal check in the full amount of $5000!"
Moral of the story: You can't take it with you no matter how hard you try, so "Do your giving while you're living, then you're knowing where it's going."

#############################################################

SMART WOMAN
*************

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Okay says the lawyer, your turn.
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworker, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500. The blonde says, "Thank you", and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

*******************************************************************************

THE TELEPHONE CALL

Jake and Saul are two old retired widowers who reside close to each other and do constant welfare checks on each other. Much of their relationship is based on pragmatism rather than real friendship or personal affection.
One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Saul opens the morning paper and turns to the Obits page.He gets the shock of his life when he sees his own obituary in the column. He realizes that the query or info on him by the local newspaper several months earlier, was in preparation for this event. He correctly surmises that it is a mistaken entry from their database, premature and erroneous..

It still excites and rankles him, so he calls Jake up. "Jake, are you up yet?" Jake sleepily answers, "Yeah, but I'm only now starting my coffee."
"Jake. open the newspaper to page 31." The paper rustles for a few seconds, then a long silent pause ensues.
Finally, Jake comes on the line quietly and asks fearfully, "So Saul, where are you calling me from right now?"

*******************************************************************************

WRONG EMAIL ADDRESS

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years ago.Because both had jobs, they found it difficult coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day.
Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. In his room there was a computer, so he decided to send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error.
The email with the wrong address went to Houston, to a widow who had just returned from her husband's funeral. The dearly departed was a minister of many years who had been called home to glory following a heart attack .The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
"To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived.
I know you are surprised to hear from me! They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

PS: Sure is hot down here! "

*******************************************************************************

CAKE AND LIES
*************

Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies' group bake sale, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.
She baked an angel food cake and when she took it from the oven, the center had dropped flat. She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake."
So, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake. Alice found it in the bathroom, a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and covered it with icing. The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the church.
Alice then gave her daughter some money and instructions to be at the sale the minute it opened and to buy that cake and bring it home. When the daughter arrived at the sale, the attractivecake had already been sold.Alice was beside herself.
A couple of days later Alice was invited to a friend's home where two tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon. After the game a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake in question was presented for dessert.
Alice saw the cake, she started to get off her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said, "What a beautiful cake!"
Alice sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess say, "Thank you, I baked it myself."

*******************************************************************************

MAN IN THE THEATER

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager."

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of hismanager.
In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"
"Sam," the man moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied, "The balcony."

*********************************************************************

A NEW FOUND MOTHER

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who I haven't seen in a long time."
"That's a shame," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said, "as I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!' It would make me feel so much better."
"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Good bye, Mother!"
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

***************************************************************

Life After Death

Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes, Sir." the new recruit replied.
"Oh, well that's okay then!" said the boss. "Because after you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you!"

*****************************************************

The Know-it-all

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs.Williams, do you know the defence attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him." At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counsellors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!"

******************************************************

Last Wishes

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Rachel, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful, considerate, and wonderful man her late husband had been.
"My Sidney thought of everything", she told them. "Just before he died, he called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. 'Rachel', he told me. 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am gone, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Knowing you'll do this, I can rest in peace'."

"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked. "The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket'. So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably.

"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral'. I made Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods."

"And the third envelope?" asked her friends. "The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone'.

At that point, Rachel held up her hand and pointed to her ring finger, on which was a gorgeous ten carat diamond ring. "So?", said Rachel, "You like my stone?"

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Delivering Bad news Sensitively

Steve, Bob and Jeff are working on a very high scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls off. He is killed instantaneously. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize they'll have to inform his wife. Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job.
After two hours he returns, carrying a large pizza. "So did you tell her?" asks Jeff. "Yep", replies Bob. "Say, where did you get the pizza?" Bob informs Jeff. "She bought it for me."

"WHAT??" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died and she bought you a pizza?" "Sure," Bob says. "WHY?" asks Jeff.

"Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's widow?' 'Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!' So I said: "I'll bet you a pizza you ARE!'"

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Do Something Nice For Dad

Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill."

Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, whichhe also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.

Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find outwhat was going on. "Well," said the other brother, "you said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo."

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A Long Night

A drunk phoned the local police department to report that thieves had been in his car. "They have stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," he cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time, and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," the drunk said with a hiccup. "I got in the back seat by mistake."

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Confessional Troubles

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. he priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."

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A DRUNKARD'S REQUEST-Give Me A Push

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?" "No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened. "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you," she says. "Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter, and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?" "But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere, he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger, he shouts,
"Where are you?" "I'm over here," the stranger replies, "on your swing."

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FATHER Won't Like It

It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up." "That's mighty nice of you, " Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to." "Awe, come on," the farmer insisted. "Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But Pa won't like it." After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset." "Don't be foolish !" the neighbour said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?" "Under the wagon."

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A guy named John had a really horrible memory. One day John ran into a friend whom he had not seen in a long time. He greeted him & said, "Bill, do you remember what a bad memory I had?" Bill answered, "Yes, I certainly do." "Well, it's not bad any more. I went to a seminar that taught us how to remember things. It was a great seminar, & now I have a wonderful memory."
Bill answered, "That's great! What was the name of the seminar?" "Well," John said, "wait a minute, my wife went with me. I'll ask her." He turned & saw his wife nearby. Then he turned back to Bill & said, "What's the name of that flower with a long stem & thorns & a red bloom?" "Do you mean a rose?" Bill answered, "Yeah, thanks," John said, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of that seminar we attended?"

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Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
Holmes asked, "What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is omnipotent and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
"What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you meathead. Someone has stolen our tent."

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An anthropologist was studying a primitive tribe in South America that years earlier had been reached by a Christian missionary. After having lived among the tribe for several weeks, the anthropologist met with the tribe's leader. He said, "You have a wonderful culture, but it is a shame that the missionary came and infected your tribe with his religion." The chief replied, "See that rock? That's where we would break the skulls of our enemies. See that tree? That's where we would sacrifice them to our God. And if we had not learned Christ was our Lord, you would be our dinner tonight."

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Misunderstanding, Communication
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A man walked into a doctor's office. "What do you have?" the receptionist asked. "Shingles," he replied. She told him to sit down. Soon a nurse called him and asked, "What do you have?" "Shingles," he replied. She took his blood pressure, weight, and complete medical history. Then she took him to a room and told him to remove all of his clothes. After a few minutes the doctor came in and asked, "What do you have?" "Shingles," the man told him. The doctor looked him up and down and said, "Where?" "Out on the truck. Where do you want me to unload them?"

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The old man who had no enemies
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The subject of the Sunday sermon was "Forgive Your Enemies." After a lengthy sermon, the preacher asked the congregation how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied, he pleaded with the congregation for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This received a response of eighty percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen more minutes and repeated his question. With thoughts of Sunday dinner being delayed, all responded except one old gentleman in the rear. "Mr. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any." "Mr. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "86." "Mr. Jones, please tell the congregation how a man can live to be 86 and not have an enemy in the world." The old man stood and said, "It's easy. They are all dead.I just outlived them."

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THE STRICT DIET

Two Christians follow a strict diet in their eating and live a very long and also very healthy life. They die, and go to heaven.
As they are walking along, marvelling at the paradise around them, one turns to the other and says "Wow. I never knew heaven was going to be as good as this!"
"Yeah", says the other. "And just think, if we hadn't followed that strict diet we could have got here ten years sooner." .

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Judy was have a very tough week. She stopped in at a psychiatrist's kiosk.
She was looking forward to some selfish complaining and a well-deserved pity-party.
"Nobody loves me. The whole world hates me!" she complained.

The psychiatrist looked at her and said, "Now Judy, that simply isn't true. There are a lot of people in this world who have never met you. They don't hate you yet."

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A friend who had been feeling down for a long time decided to see the psychiatrist.
He sat there spilling his guts to the psychiatrist hoping for some words of wisdom for his problem.
The psychiatrist asked a few questions and took a few notes. Then he sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.
Finally, the psychiatrist smiled and said, "Your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers." .

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A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'
"Twenty-six!" he said.

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The dangers of a helping nature

Three men stood on the platform waiting their turn to be beheaded by guillotine; a priest, lawyer and architect/engineer. The priest was taken to the block first and when asked whether he wanted to face up or down, he said he wanted to face up in order to see God when the blade struck. He was placed on the block with his face up as requested and the huge blade was dropped, but the blade stopped an inch above his neck! The crowd gasped. It was considered a sign of his innocence and he was freed.
The lawyer was then led to the block and asked the same question. He said he wanted to face down to see where he was going when the blade struck. He was placed on the block with his face down and the huge blade was dropped, but again it stopped an inch above his neck! The crowd gasped! As before, this was considered a sign of his innocence and he was freed.

When the architect/engineer was led to the block and asked which way he wanted to face he said he wanted to face up and so he was placed on the block with his face up looking at the blade and scaffolding holding it. Seconds before the blade dropped, he turned his head toward the executioner and said "STOP! I think I see what is the problem with this machine". Then they repaired it and killed him with the machine.

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Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. Clearly, they are Russian."

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A prosecuting attorney just could not believe that a jury had found the defendant not guilty.
Astonished, he asked the jury foreman, "How could you possibly have found this man innocent?"
The foreman replied, "Insanity."
The perplexed prosecutor asked, "All twelve of you?"

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This woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?"
The doctor looks her over for a couple of moments, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you one thing...there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."

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The well

Two good ole boys were out walking. They passed through a meadow where the grass was about knee-high. It became apparent that the meadow was an old junkyard. There were old engines, rusted fenders, used appliances, etc. lying about.
Suddenly, they came across a large hole. It looked very deep.
"How deep do you think it is?" said the first.
"I don't know," said the second.
"Let's push this old transmission into the hole and see how far she drops" said the first.
With much effort, the two good ole boys finally pushed and shoved the junky transmission to the edge of the hole and over the edge. After quite some time they heard a faint 'splash'.
"Man, that is some deep hole" one of them said.
As soon as he said this, a billy goat came running out of the nearby woods just as fast as he could go, ran right past the two good ole boys, and dived straight into the hole.
Flabbergasted, the two good ole boys stood there looking at each other, speechless.
A farmer appeared from the woods and asked them "Have you seen my billy goat? He was somewhere around here but it looks like he's run off. He couldn't have gotten far. I had him tied to an old transmission."

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AMERICAN ,SCOT , CANADIAN
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An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, butall three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes.Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.
"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light and then the Canadian and the Scot andI were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and said that for a donation of $50, we could return to earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50 and the next thing I knew I was back here."

"That's amazing!" said the one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"
"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay."

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THE BEST PLACE FOR A PICNIC
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There were these two morons driving along the highway looking for a place to stop and picnic.The first moron says, "Let's stop here, and have our picnic under that tree." The other says, "No! Let's have it right here in the middle of the road." They fought for a bit, but finally agreed to have it in the middle of the road. All of a sudden, a car comes speeding towards them and has to swerve into the tree to keep from hitting them. The second moron says,"See? If we were under that tree, we'd be dead now!"

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SHOULD WE LEARN NEW LANGUAGES ?
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A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting.
"Entschuldigen, konnen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says.The two Americans just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" The two continue to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?" No response.
"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.
The first American turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language...."
"Why?" says the other, "That fellow knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

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THE DANGER OF DOCTORS
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Think about this:

a. The number of physicians in the US is 700,000.
b. Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year is 120,000.

c. Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171. (US Dept.of Health & Human Services)
Then think about this:
a. The number of gun owners in the US is 80,000,000.
b. The number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) is 1,500.
c. The number of accidental deaths per gun owner .0000188.
Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets out of hand.

As a public health measure I have withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear that the shock could cause people to seek medical attention

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Latest discovery about nutrition and health.

It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies:

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. Africans drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you

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New definitions

Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

Cannibal: Someone who is fed up with people.

Chickens: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

Committee: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Egotist: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

Gossip: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

Handkerchief: Cold Storage.

Mosquito: An insect that makes you like flies better.

Secret: Something you tell to one person at a time.

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