A COLLECTION OF HUMOROUS JOKES : PART-I CHURCH JOKES

PART-I CHURCH JOKES
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CHURCH JOKES
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The healing gift :

A preacher said like this : " I have a healing gift. Every time I speak people are healed from insomnia . In other words people who are suffering from inability to sleep are healed while hearing my message and they fall asleep even during my message. Once I was speaking in an open ground in a village. A dog ran and sat down at my feet .I continued speaking and when I finished I looked down and behold the dog was fast asleep. Another time I was listening to my own message on the tape and I fell asleep."

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Confession to the Catholic priest

A catholic priest was celebrating his 25th year of ministry in a particular town. On the occasion the priest said " When I first came to this town 25 years ago I was shocked because the first person who came to confess to me said very shocking sins of corruption and immorality that he had committed. I wondered what kind of people are living in this town. But as the years went by I found out that many wonderful people are living here and I have enjoyed my ministry in this town." After he finished speaking the chief guest arrived at the meeting . The chief guest was a important leader in that town . He spoke and said' " I am sorry for coming late to this meeting. I have known the priest for 25 years . In fact when he came 25 years ago , I was the first person to go and confess my sins to him ".

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Baptism and the angry husband

A non–christian lady secretly took baptism without the husband's knowledge . But somehow somebody told her husband about it. He was angry and was waiting with a stick to beat her . When she came home he asked her " Did you take baptism ?" She replied "yes " . He was so angry that he took the stick to beat her. At that time she said " Please forgive me this time . I wont do it again " .

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Adventures with a Bear

One day an Baptist minister, a catholic priest and a Rabbi agreed to a test of faith and power. Since David defeated a lion and a bear before defeating goliath they decided they would each go into the woods confront a bear if they won the contest they would be indeed be men of God. A couple of weeks later they met at an appointed time and place to report the results of their test. The catholic priest went first. He said, "well I did it. I found a bear, sprinkled holy water on him, said a hail Mary and he knelt and took communion from me." The Baptist minister said, "that's nothing. I found a bear, read him the four spiritual laws, prayed the sinners prayer with him and baptized him in the lake". Now it was obvious by the sorry physical condition of the Rabbi that his encounter had not gone as well. He was a mass of bandages and casts. Through swollen lips the Rabbi whispered, "perhaps I shouldn't have started with circumcision

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THE SPEAKER WHO SPOKE TOO LONG

A guest speaker in a church was speaking for a very long time and would not stop.Most of the people had fallen asleep .But still he would not stop and went on and on. Finally a man in the back became very angry and came forward with a big stick . The speaker saw him coming and gotafraid and said ' Sir , Iam finishing my message' . The man with the big stick replied and told the speaker ' Sir , don't be afraid . This stick is not for you. This stick is for the man who invited you' .

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Refreshing sermon

The minister's sermon on this particular Sunday was considerably longer than normal. However, it was so well prepared and inspiring that he just knew it would be a big hit with the congregation. At the end of the service he stood shaking hands with parishioners as they exited. One man paused and said, "Pastor, your sermon was so invigorating and inspiring and refreshing."
As the minister broke out in a big smile, the man completed his comment by adding, "Why I felt like a new man when I woke up!"

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Smarter than Einstein

At the conclusion of the sermon, the worshipers filed out of the sanctuary to greet the minister. As one of them left, he shook the minister's hand, thanked him for the sermon and said, "Thanks for the message, Reverend. You know, you must be smarter than Einstein."
Beaming with pride, the minister said, "Why, thank you, brother!"
As the week went by, the minister began to think about the man's compliment. The more he thought, the more he became baffled as to why anyone would deem him smarter than Einstein. So he decided to ask the man the following Sunday.
The next Sunday he asked the parishioner if he remembered the previous Sunday's comment about the sermon. The parishionerreplied that he did. The minister asked: "Exactly what did you mean that I must be smarter than Einstein?"
The man replied, "Well, Reverend, they say that Einstein was so smart that only ten people in the entire world could understand him. But Reverend, not even one person can understand you when you speak.

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The Pastor's Hospital visit

Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol'Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket. At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read, "Pastor, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"

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The Pastors's Faith

For the umpteenth time Mrs. Youngston came to her pastor to tell him, "I'm so scared! Joe says he's going to kill me if I continue to come to your church." Yes, yes, my child," replied the pastor, more than a little tired of hearing this over and over. "I will continue to pray for you, Mrs. Youngston. Have faith - the Lord will watch over you."

"Oh yes, he has kept me safe thus far, only....." "Only what, my child?" Well, now he says if I keep coming to your church, he's going to kill YOU!"
"Well, now," said the pastor, "Perhaps it's time to check out that little church on the other side of town."

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THE PRAYER REQUEST

A pastor with poor eyesight glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher. The note read: "Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."
Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing: "Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."

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A DRUNKARD AND THE CATHOLIC PRIEST

A drunk man who smelled like cheap wine sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man." "Well, I'll be hornswaggled," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does".

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The Man who was declared a 'Saint '

In a small town, there were two brothers who, over the course of many years, cheated, swindled, robbed and generally stole from everyone that they ever did business with. The entire town and surrounding community reviled and despised these two brothers as everyone was aware of just how disreputable and dishonest they were.
One day, one of the brothers mysteriously died. Although they had never attended church, the one remaining brother went to the local pastor and offered vast sums of money if he would come to the funeral and say the appropriate words, AND, a large bonus, but ONLY if he would - during the course of the eulogy -refer to his brother as "a Saint." The pastor was troubled by the request, however, it was a very poor church and the church desperatelyneeded repairs. The Parishioners had heard about the pastor's dilemma and were curious as to what he would do. The Funeral began, the church was packed, and the pastor started with the usual prayers and followed the rites and traditions as required by the churches teachings. In closing, after referring to the man in the box, he paused and turned to face the remaining brother. He began, "As you all know, the departed was an awful individual who robbed, cheated, swindled and stole from everyone he ever did business with. However, compared to his Brother, he was - "a Saint!"

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GOD'S REPRESENTATIVE

A college professor, an avowed atheist, was teaching his class. He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated he was going to prove there was no God. Addressing the ceiling he shouted: "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!" The lecture room fell silent. You could have heard a pin fall. Ten minutes went by. Again he taunted God, saying, "Here I am, God. I'm still waiting."
His countdown got down to the last couple of minutes when a Marine - just released from active duty and newly registered in the class - walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him tumbling from his lofty platform. The professor was out cold! The students were shocked and babbled in confusion. The young Marine took a seat in the front row and sat silent. The class fell silent...waiting. Eventually, the professor came to, shaken. He looked at the young Marine in the front row. When the professor regained his senses and could speak he asked: "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?"
"God was busy. He sent me."

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DO NOT STEP ON A DUCK

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven ... don't step on the ducks." So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck, and along came St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same punishment as the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, tan, muscular, and with good hair. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
And the guy says, "Well, I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."

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THE MOTHER-IN-LAW WHO DIED IN JERUSALEM

A man's mother-in-law was vacationing in Israel. While there his mother-in-law died during her sleep one night.He was told that he had two choices on burial. One was that he could bury her in Israel for $100, the other was to transport her body back to the United States and bury her there but that would cost at least $5000.00. After a short thought he stated he would transport her back to the US. The officials said that he must really love his mother-in-law to be willing to spend an enormous amount of money to transport her back to the US to be buried.
He said "actually I have heard that a long time ago in Israel there was a man that no one wanted that when he died he was buried and three days later rose up from the dead. I cannot take that chance."

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THE CHOIR MEMBER WHO COULD NOT SING

A church had a man in the choir who couldn't sing. Several people hinted to him that he could serve in other places, but he continued to come to the choir. The choir director became desperate and went to the pastor.
"You've got to get that man out of the choir," he said. "If you don't, I'm going to resign. The choir members are going to quit too. Please do something."
So the pastor went to the man and suggested, "Perhaps you should leave the choir."
"Why should I get out of the choir?" he asked.
"Well, five or six people have told me you can't sing."
That's nothing," the man snorted. "Fifty people have told me that you can't preach!"

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STAMMERING SALESMAN
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Norman had a serious speech impediment but he was determined to get the job advertised at the local Bible shop. However when he went for his interview the manager became concerned about his ability to do the job.
"You understand this job involves selling Bibles to people at the door, don't you, Norman?""Y-y-y-y-yes s-s-s-sir, n-n-n-n-n-no pr-pr-problem!"
Scratching his head, the manager went out back to ask the big boss how they should handle it. He wouldn't want Norman to make a fool of himself.
"Just tell him he has to sell fifty Bibles a day," said the boss, "that'll get rid of him!"
Back at the manager's desk. . . "Fifty Bibles, Norman, that's the minimum per day," Are you sure you want this job?"
"Def-def-def-def-definitely, Sir. Giv-giv-give me the fi-fi-fi-fi-fifty B-B-B-B-Bibles."
Two hours later Norman was back. He'd sold every Bible.
"How on earth did you do it!? Norman?" asked both men, wide-eyed.
"It w-w-w-w-was eas-eas-eas-eas-eas-easy," said Norm. "I j-j-j-j-just kno-kno-kno-knocked on the d-d-d-d-door, and w-w-w-w-when th-th-th-they answered I j-j-j-j-just s-s-s-said, 'w-w-w-w-w-w-would you l-l-l-l-l-like to b-b-b-b-b-buy a B-B-B-B-B-Bible or w-w-w-w-w-w-w-would you l-l-l-l-l-like me to r-r-r-r-read it to you?'"
"They b-b-b-bought it str-str-str-straight away!"

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PASTOR AND CHOIR DIRECTOR
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There was a feud between the Pastor and the Choir Director of the Hicksville Non-denominational Church. It seems the first hint of trouble came when the Pastor preached on dedicating yourselves to service and the Choir Director chose to sing: "I Shall Not be Moved." Trying to believe it was a coincidence, the Pastor put the incident behind him.
The next Sunday he preached on giving. Afterwards, the choir squirmed as the Director led them in the hymn: "Jesus Paid It All." By this time, the Pastor was losing his temper. Sunday morning attendance swelled as the tension between the two built. A large crowd showed up the next week to hear his sermon on the sin of gossiping. Would you believe the Choir Director selected: "I Love To Tell The Story"? There was no turning back.
The following Sunday the Pastor told the congregation that unless something changed he was considering resigning. The entire church gasped when the Choir Director led them in: "Why Not Tonight."
Truthfully, no one was surprised when the Pastor resigned a week later, explaining that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was leading him away. The Choir Director could not resist: "What a Friend We Have In Jesus."

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DANGEROUS MEMORY LOSS
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A large seminar was held for ministers in training. Among the speakers were many well-known motivational speakers. One such speaker boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!"
The crowd was shocked!
He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!"
The crowd burst into laughter and he gave the rest of his speech which went over quite well. About a week later, one of the young ministers dwho had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly approached the pulpit one Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head, but it seemed a bit foggy to him.
Getting to the microphone, he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman, and that woman was not my wife!"
His congregation was shocked.
After standing there for about ten seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, "And I cant remember who she was!"

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A rather pompous-looking deacon was endeavoring to impress upon a class of boys the importance of living the Christian life. "Why do people call me a Christian?" the man asked. After a moment's pause, one youngster said, "Maybe it's because they don't know you."

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There's a story told of a husband and wife both of who were doctors - one a doctor of theology and the other a doctor of medicine. When their doorbell was rung and the maid answered, the inquirer would often ask for "the doctor". The maid's interesting reply was: "Do you want the one who preaches or the one who practices?"

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PRIEST AND TAXI DRIVER IN HEAVEN

Saint Peter welcomed both a priest and a taxi driver. He started addressing the taxidriver, pointing toward a Palace. Well deserved : Mr. taxidriver, these are the keys of your mansion. When the priest saw this reward given to the taxidriver thought :wow! I wonder what is my reward since I have done more that the taxidriver, But Peter told to the priest. "I have for you only a little room"...what on the world? ... well the reason the taxidriver got more than you was that everytime the taxi driver drove his taxicab..people prayed..and everytime you preached, people slept...

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The Nationality of Jesus

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There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black: 1. He called everyone "brother."2. He liked Gospel.3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure he was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:

1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was work to do.

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THE WOMAN DRIVER AND THE POLICEMAN
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A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in frontof him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through theintersection with him. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the policestation where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the bookingdesk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn,flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

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Want to Go to Heaven
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Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

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The senility prayer
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God, please grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do like and the eyesight to tell the difference.

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After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you!," the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."

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Things you never hear in church
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1. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.
2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.
3. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
4. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
5. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
6. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.
7. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!
8. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.
9. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
10. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!

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THE MENU FOR DINNER
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The young couple invited their parson for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what was his mother cooking for dinner.
"Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'"

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OPENING A NUMBER LOCK
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The temporary Sunday School teacher was struggling to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet. She had been told the combination, but couldn't quite remember it. Finally she went to the pastor's study and asked for help.
The pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial. After the first two numbers he paused and stared blankly for a moment. Finally he look serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently. Then he looked back at the lock, and quickly turned to the final number, and opened the lock.
The teacher was amazed. "I'm in awe at your faith, pastor," she said.
"It's really nothing," he answered. "The number is on a piece of tape on the ceiling."

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MODERN TECHNOLOGY IN CHURCH
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A rich man went to his pastor and said, "I want you and your wife to take a three month trip to the Holy Land at my expense. When you come back, I'll have a surprise for you". The pastor accepted the offer and he and his wife went off to the Middle East.

Three months later they returned home and were met by the wealthy parishioner, who told them while they were gone, he had had a new church built. "It's the finest building money can buy, pastor," said the man, "No expense was spared." And he was right. It was a magnificent edifice both outside and in.
But there was one striking difference. There was only one pew and it was at the very back. "A church with only one pew?" asked the pastor.
"You just wait until Sunday." said the rich man.

When the time came for the Sunday service, the early arrivals entered the church, filed onto the one pew and sat down. When the pew was full, a switch clicked silently, a circuit closed, the gears meshed, a belt moved and, automatically, the rear pew began to move forward. When it reach the front of the church it came to a stop. At the same time, another empty pew came up from below at the back and more people sat down. And so it continued, pews filling and moving forwards until finally the church was full, from front to back.

"Wonderful!" said the pastor, "Marvelous!"

The service began, and the pastor started to preach his sermon. He launched into his text and, when 12 o'clock came, he was still going strong with no end in sight. Suddenly a bell rang and a trap door in the floor behind the pulpit dropped open and the pastor disappeared.

"Wonderful!" said the congregation, "Marvelous!"

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30 HUMOROUS ANNOUNCEMENTS IN CHURCH BULLETINS
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1. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 pm at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
2. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
3. The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
4. Evening massage - 6 p.m.
5. Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.
6. Ushers will eat latecomers.
7. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
8. Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
9. Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
10. Offering Song : "Jesus Paid It All"
11. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
12. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
13. A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
14. Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.
15. On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better.
16. Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.
17. Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.
18. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
19. we are happy to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
20. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
21. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
22. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
23. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."
24. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
25. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
26. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
27. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
28. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
29. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
30. This evening at 7 P. M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

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THE TEN COMMANDMENTS IN CAJUN STYLE
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1. God is number one... and das' All.
2. Don't pray to nuttin' or nobody... jus' God.
3. Don't cuss nobody... 'specially da Good Lord.
4. When it be Sunday... pass yo'self by God's House.
5. Yo mama an' yo daddy dun did it all... lissen to dem.
6. Killin' duck an' fish, das' OK... people - No!
7. God done give you a wife... sleep wit' jus' her.
8. Don't take nobody's boat... or nuttin' else.
9. Don't go wantin' somebody's stuff.
10. Stop lyin'... yo tongue gonna fall out yo mouf!

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Top Ten Things People Won't Say When They See the Christian Bumper Sticker or Fish Symbol On Your Car:
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10. "Look! Let's stop that car and ask those folks how we can become Christians."
9. "Don't worry, Billy, those people are Christians -- they must have a good reason for driving 90 miles an hour."
8. "What a joy to be sharing the highway with another car of Spirit- filled brothers and sisters."
7. "Isn't it wonderful how God blessed that Christian couple with a brand-new BMW?"
6. "Dad, how come people who drive like that don't get thrown in jail?" "Dad, can we get a bumper sticker like that, too?"
5. "Stay clear of those folks, Martha. If they get raptured, that car's gonna be all over the road!"
4. "Oh, look! That Christian woman is getting a chance to share Jesus with a police officer."
3. "No, that's not garbage coming out of their windows, Bert -- it's probably gospel tracts for the road workers."
2. "Oh, boy, we're in trouble now! We just rear-ended one of God's cars."
1. "Quick, Alice, honk the horn or they won't know that we love Jesus!"

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EXCLUSIVE PRAYER
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A businessman who needed millions of dollars to clinch an important deal went to church to pray for the money. By chance he knelt next to a man who was praying for $100 to pay an urgent debt. The businessman took out his wallet and pressed $100 into the other man's hand. Overjoyed, the man got up and left the church. The businessman then closed his eyes and prayed, "And now, Lord, that I have your undivided attention..."

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JESUS DIED BETWEEN TWO THIEVES
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The old preacher had spent 40 years pastoring in the same church and was highly respected in the community. The end of his life was drawing near and as he lay on his death bed he ask for the local banker and the local lawyer to come and spend his last hours with him.
Both were impressed that they would be ask and discussed amoung themselves what great pearl of wisdom the old pastor wished to share with them. As they enter his room he motioned for one to sit on his left and one on his right.
As they sat down a great peace came upon the man of God, 30 minutes passed and not a word was spoken. Finially the banker leaned forward and ask, Reverend, we were wondering what great pearl of wisdom you may want to share with us since you called us here.
The old preacher looked at him and replied, "as you know Jesus has been my example all my life, and since he died between two theives I decided thats the way I wanted to go".

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PASTOR AND THE INFECTIOUS DISEASE
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One morning the pastor got a call from Frank asking him to come and pray for his mother who was very, very sick. The pastor knew Frank and his family because they had attended his church for a while, but they got offended at something and started going to another church across town. The pastor immediately felt good that in this family's time of crisis they had come to him to ask for prayer.
The pastor suspected that they got offended again, and had quit going to the other church, so he said, "I am glad you've asked me to visit your mom for prayer, and of course I will go, but shouldn't you be asking Pastor Jackson at your new church to come and pray with your mom?"
Frank replied, "Yeah, but we didn't want to take the chance that he might catch whatever Mom has."

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GETTING RID OF MICE FROM THE CHURCH
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Three pastors were having lunch together at a diner. The first pastor said, "Ya know, since summer started, I've been having trouble with mice in my church. I've tried everything -- noise, spray, cats -- nothing seems to scare them away.
The second pastor said, "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in the basement of the church. I've set traps and even called an expert to get rid of them, yet they still won't go away."
The third pastor said, "I had the same problem so I baptized all mine and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!"

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PENTECOSTAL PASTOR AND A DEAD DOG
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A man came to the Pentecostal Church and asked to see the pastor. "Pastor," he said, "My dog died and I would like a Christian burial for him."The Pastor said, "I'm sorry to hear about your dog, but we spirit-filled Pentecostals don't do funerals for dogs. You might try the Baptist church down the street. Baptists will do most anything." The man turned sadly and said, "I'm sorry you won't do my dog's funeral, but I understand. I'll try the Baptist church. But would you tell me how much is appropriate to leave for a memorial for the church? I was thinking of giving a $10,000 memorial in honor of my dog." "Wait a minute," the pastor said. " I will do the funeral . You should have told me about the offering in the beginning"

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The Bible in 30 seconds
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God made. Adam bit. Noah arked. Abraham split. Joseph ruled. Jacob fooled. Bush talked. Moses balked. Pharaoh plagued. People walked. Sea divided. Tablets guided. Promise landed. Saul freaked. David peeked. Prophets warned. Jesus born. God walked. Love talked. Anger crucified. Hope died. Love rose. Spirit flamed. Word spread. God remained!

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The pastor and the eggs
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The elderly pastor was searching his closet for his collar before church one Sunday morning. In the back of the closet, he found a small box containing three eggs and 100 $1 bills. He called his wife into the closet to ask her about the box and its contents.
Embarrassed, she admitted having hidden the box there for their entire 45 years of marriage. Disappointed and hurt, the pastor asked her, "WHY?" The wife replied that she hadn't wanted to hurt his feelings.
He asked her how the box could have hurt his feelings. She said that every time during their marriage that he had delivered a poor sermon, she had placed an egg in the box.
The pastor felt that three poor sermons in 45 years was certainly nothing to feel bad about, so he asked her what the $100 was for.
She replied, "Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbors for $1."

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Shopper's prayer
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Armani, which art in Neiman's Hallowed by thy shoes
Thy Prada come Thy shopping done On Rodeo As it is in Paris.
Give us this day, our Visa Gold, And Forgive us our balance As we forgive those who charge us interest.
Lead us not into Penney's And deliver us from Sears.
For thine is the Chanel, the Gaultier and the Versace
For Dolce and Gabbana
AMEX

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ENTRANCE TEST TO HEAVEN
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Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that inorder to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."
The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic."
St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odorsthat this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "about 1,500."
"That's right! You may enter."
St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

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BASIC CONDITION TO ENTER HEAVEN
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If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" Iasked the children in my Sunday School class. "NO!" the children all answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard,and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?" Again, the answer was, "NO!"
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me intoHeaven?" I asked them again. Again, they all answered, "NO!"
"Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"

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ATHEIST AND GOD
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An atheist was walking through the woods, admiring all the "accidents" that evolution had created. "What majestic trees!What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to look, he saw a 7-footgrizzly bear charge towards him. He ran away as fast as he could up the path.
He looked over his shoulder and saw the grizzly was closing. Somehow he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to hiseyes. He looked again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding, and he tried to run faster. He tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but the bear was right over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw to strike him.
At that instant the atheist cried, "Oh my God!" Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all these years, teach othersthat I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light and said, "I would feel like a hypocrite to become a Christian after all theseyears, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice.
The light went out. The river ran. The sounds of the forest resumed. Then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both pawstogether, bowed its head, and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

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