Thursday, June 12, 2008




The funeral procession

Tom was on the side of the road and noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.A long black hearse was followed by another long black hearse about 50 feet back..
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull on a leash.Behind that were 200 men walking single file..Tom couldn't stand the curiosity..
He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "Sir, I know this is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
The man replied "Well, that first hearse is for my wife."
Tom asked, "What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog bit her and she died."
Tom inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned and bit her and she died."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
Tom asks, "Sir, could I borrow that dog?"
He replied, "Get in line along with the 200 others who are following me asking for the dog."


A young couple, were getting married in church. However, Sue the wife was very nervous about the big occasion and so the vicar chose one verse that he felt would be a great encouragement to them.
The verse was 1 John 4:18 which says: "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear" (I John 4:18)
Rather unwisely, the vicar asked the best man to read it out and to say that the vicar had felt that this was a very apt verse for Sue and that he would be preaching on it later in the service.
However the best man was not a regular churchgoer. And so he did not know the difference between John's Gospel and the first letter of John. So he introduced his reading by saying that the vicar felt that it was a very apt verse for Sue. But he read John 4:18, which says
"You have had five husbands and the one that you now have is not your husband."


Selecting a husband

Recently a "Husband Shopping Center" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.
The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; If you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.
A couple of girls went to the shopping centre to find some husbands...

First floor. The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second floor. The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." Hmmm, said the ladies. But, I wonder what's further up?

Third floor. This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." Wow! said the women. Very tempting, BUT, there's more further up! And up they went.

Fourth floor. This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me. But just think! What must be awaiting us further on!" So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor. The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please!"



1.Love is holding hands in the street, Marriage is holding arguments in the street.
2. Love is dinner for 2 in your favourite restaurant, Marriage is Taco Bell drive through.
3. Love is cuddling on a sofa, Marriage is deciding on a sofa.
4. Love is talking about having children, Marriage is talking about getting away from children.
5. Love is going to bed early, Marriage is going to sleep early.
6. Love is losing your appetite, Marriage is losing your figure.
7. Love is sweet nothing in the ear, Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank.
8. Love is a flickering flame, Marriage is a flickering television.
9. Love is 1 drink and 2 straws, Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough?"
10. Love is staying awake all night holding each other. Marriage is staying awake all night having an argument
11. Love is driving to 'lovers lane' Marriage is driving to the supermarket
12. Love is skipping work to be close to her. Marriage is working overtime to keep away from her


A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. "What in hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!"
"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice night", said the officer.


A couple had been married for 25 years and also celebrated their birthdays on the same date. During their 60th birthday celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would grant them one wish each. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and 'poof' she had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."
The fairy picked up her wand, and 'poof' he was 90 years old.


Once when Mark Twain was lecturing in Utah, a Mormon acquaintance argued with him on the subject of polygamy. After a long and rather heated debate, the Mormon finally said, "Can you find for me a single passage of Scripture which forbids having more than one wife?" "Certainly," replied Twain. "'No man can serve two masters.'"



Walking down the street one day, a woman heard a voice yell, "Stop! If you take one more step you will be killed!"
The woman stopped, and seconds later a brick fell and landed in her path. A minute or two after that, she was getting ready to cross the street when the same voice bellowed, "Halt! Don't cross the street now!"
An out-of-control beer truck soon careened around the corner and didn't even slow down as it ran the red light.
Shaken, the woman asked out loud, "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice replied.
On hearing this the woman cried and said. "Where were you on my wedding day?"


Dangerous Food

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. "Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. "But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake"


Young Son: Dad, is it true that in some parts of Africaa man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: Son, I've got news for you,that happens in every country.


A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
The father replied, "Gee, I don't know son. I'm still paying."


Q: If your dog is barking at the back door...
and your wife is yelling at the front door...
whom do you let in first?
A: The dog of course.
At least he'll shut up after you let him in.


In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested.
Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.


Phil and Jill had been married for many years but now were in divorce court.
The judge asked, "Phil, is it true that the last three years of your marriage, you did not speak to Jill?"
Phil replies, "Yes Judge, that is correct."
"And how do you explain this unusual conduct?" the judge inquires.
Phil replies, "I didn't want to interrupt her Your Honor."



Yes = No.
No = Yes.
Maybe = No Way.
We need = I want.
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry.
We need to talk = I need to complain.
Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead.
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
You're so .... manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like.


I'm hungry = I'm hungry.
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.
I'm tired = I'm tired.



The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it. - Ann Bancroft

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. - Rita Rudner

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. - Benjamin Franklin

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. - Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. - Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Milton Berle

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. - Henny Youngman

At a party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with bald head and a big gut, and still think they are beautiful. - Anonymous



Joe's wife likes to sing so she decided to join the church choir. From time to time she would practice while she was in the kitchen preparing dinner. Whenever she would start singing a song, Joe would go outside and sit on the porch.
His wife, with hurt feelings, said, "What's the matter, Joe? Don't you like my singing?" Joe replied, "Honey, I love your singing, but I just want to make sure the neighbors know I'm not beating you."


A young man went into the drug store and told the druggist he wanted to buy 3 boxes of candy; a one pound box, a 3 pound box, and a 5 pound box. The druggist brought the candy then asked, "I'm curious why you're getting 3 different boxes."
The young man replied, "I have a date tonight with a girl I've been wanting to date for months. I'm going to her house for dinner and, afterwards, if she goes out to sit with me on the swing, I'll give her the 1 pound box; if she lets me put my are around her, I'll give her the 3 pound box, and if she lets me kiss her, I'll give her the 5 pound box." The druggist agreed that the plan was ingenious.
That night the boy arrived for dinner and when they sat down to eat, the father asked the boy to say the blessing. Well, the boy prayed and prayed and prayed until the girl had to elbow him to stop. Afterwards as they sat on the porch swing, the girl said, "I didn't know you were so religious." To which the young man replied, "And I didn't know your Daddy was the druggist."



A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non- antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable for the farmer and his new bride. While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways... At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply. Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy and I would nod my head and say 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't, it's all booked up for a year.'"



Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals So the monarch offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.... The question: What do women really want?
Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, and the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch. Only she would know the answer. The price would be high; the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he'd have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry him. Young Arthur was horrified: She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, and made obscene noises. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature. Finally, having no real choice, he agreed. Their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: What a woman really wants is to be in charge of her own life. Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was. The neighboring monarch granted Arthur total freedom. What a wedding Arthur and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. He was proper as always, gentle, and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display, and generally made everyone very uncomfortable. The hour approached. Arthur, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom.
But what a sight awaited him! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! The astounded Arthur asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she'd appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible, deformed self half the time, and the other half she would be her beautiful maiden self.
Which would he want her to be during the day, and which during the night? What a cruel question! Arthur pondered his predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman with whom to enjoy many intimate moments? What would you do? What Arthur chose follows below......
but don't read until you've made your own choice....... . . . . . . .

Noble Arthur replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

What is the moral of this story?
The moral is: If your woman doesn't get her own way, things are going to get ugly!


The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect.
Later that morning he went to a local card and novelty shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss." He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said, "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"


A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man.
The father invites the fiancee to his study for a chat. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.
"I am a Bible college student." he replies.
"A Bible college student. Hmmm," the father says. "admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance. The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"
The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."


Adam was returning home late one night. When Eve confronted him. "You are seeing another woman, aren't you?" she accused.
"Don't be silly," he replied. "You are the only woman on earth."
Later that night Adam woke up feeling a tickle on his chest. "What are you doing?" he asked Eve.
"What do you think?" she asked. "I am counting your ribs."


A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful .. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOSH! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOSH! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ..CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "Now you know what it feels like when I'm driving."


A Dad and son were talking the other night about love and marriage.
Dad told the son that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to his Momwould be like. It seems the minister asked the Mom, "Do you take this man tobe your husband." And she said, "I do."
Then the minister asked his Dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife,"and his Mom said, "He does."


The Rosenthals had an outstandingly happy and successful marriage, and Mr.Rosenthal was once asked to what he attributed this remarkable situation.
"It's simple," he said. "Division of labor. My wife makes all the small,routine decisions. She decides what house we buy, where we go on vacation,whether the kids go to private schools, if I should change my job, and so on."
"And you?"
"I make the big, fundamental decisions. I decide if the United States should declare war on China, if Congress should appropriate money for a manned expedition to Mars, and so on."


At a country-club party a young man was introduced to an attractive girl. Immediately he began paying her court and flattering her outrageously. The girl liked the young man, but she was taken a bit aback by his fast and ardent pitch. She was amazed when after 30 minutes he seriously proposed marriage.
"Look," she said. "We only met a half hour ago. How can you be so sure? We know nothing about each other."
"You're wrong," the young man declared.
"For the past 5 years I've been working in the bank where your father has his account."


I was scheduled to fly from North Carolina to Germany, where my husband was stationed in the military. As I checked in at the airport, the ticket agent asked me some standard security questions. "Has anyone given you any packages that you didn't pack yourself?" he asked.
I told him that my mother-in-law had given me a parcel to take to her son.
He looked at me very carefully and asked: "Does she like you?"


At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.
"The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. Entertain.And stay home at night!"
An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Girl, if that's all you want, get a TV!"


After shopping at a busy store, another woman and I happened to leave at the same time, only to be faced with the daunting task of finding our cars in the crowded parking lot. Just then my car horn beeped, and I was able to locate my vehicle easily.
Wow," the woman said. "I sure could use a gadget like that to help me find my car."
"Actually," I replied, "that's my husband."


I had to go on a business trip the day after my honeymoon, so I decided to purchase a gift for my new wife.
At an airport gift shop, I found a coffee mug imprinted with the words, "I love you" inside a beautiful red heart.Confident the mug would please my wife, I asked to have it wrapped.
She beamed when I gave it to her at dinner that night, but her face fell when she saw the writing on the back of the mug.
It read, "Grandpa."


On their 50th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the reason for their long and happy marriage.
The husband said, "I have tried never to be selfish. After all, there is no 'I' in the word 'marriage.'''
The wife said, "For my part, I have never corrected my husband's spelling."


When my sister Andrea got married, she asked to wear my mother's wedding dress. The day she tried it on for the first time I was sitting with Mother in the living room as Andrea descended the stairs. The gown was a perfect fit on her petite frame. Mother's eyes welled with tears. I put my arm around her.
"You're not losing a daughter," I reminded her in time-honored fashion. "You're gaining a son."
"Oh, forget about that!" she said with a sob. "I used to fit into that dress!"


My kindergarten-aged daughter suddenly announced just before school that she needed to take a clean tee shirt to class. She told us the teacher was going to iron an anti-drug message on it.
My wife frantically swept through my daughter's room, finding nothing usable but one tee shirt that already had something printed on one side. She sent it off to school with my daughter. That afternoon, my daughter returned and happily showed off her shirt.
On one side it said, "Families are Forever."
And on the other, "Be Smart, Don't Start."


A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please mama!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!"


While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Tom and his wife Peg listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"
The rest of the story is not pleasant.


Heather and Marcy hadn't seen each other in awhile, so they decided to meet for lunch.
The talk naturally got around to their respective love lives. Marcy confided that there really wasn't anyone special in her life. Heather, on the other hand, was beaming about the new man she had found.
"He's perfect. He's handsome, and last night when we went out to dinner, he said the four little words I've been waiting to hear a man say to me!"
"Did he say 'will you marry me'?" Marcy asked.
Heather replied, "No, he said 'put your money away'."


No comments: