Wednesday, June 11, 2008



A dull headed woman cooking

MONDAY: It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors werenice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

TUESDAY: Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't. What a surprise whenBob brought his boss home for supper.

WEDNESDAY: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but Itook a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.

THURSDAY: Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of Lettuceone hour before serving. Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.

FRIDAY: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have been somethingwrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

SATURDAY: Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten before talking.

SUNDAY: The in-laws came to dinner. I wanted to serve a roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash ofgenius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose.


Lessons from Mother

My mother taught me RELIGION: "You better pray that it will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me REASON: "Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me LOGIC: "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT: "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY: "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS: "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM: "Will you 'look' at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me about STAMINA: "You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER: "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS: "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you, would you listen THEN?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY: "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE: "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION: "Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY!: "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION: "Just wait until we get home."

My Mother taught me about RECEIVING: "You are going to get it when we get home!"

My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE: "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD: "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

My Mother taught me ESP: "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"

My Mother taught me HUMOR: "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT: "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My Mother taught me about SEX: "How do you think you got here?"

My Mother taught me about GENETICS: "You're just like your father."

My Mother taught me about my ROOTS: "Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE: "When you get to be my age, you will understand."

And... My Mother taught me about JUSTICE: "One day you'll have kids... and I hope they turn out just like you!"


The human condition


Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy


Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime


A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.


A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.


Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.


Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.


Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.


A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.


A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.


Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.


Disorder in the court

Things people actually said in court, word for word:

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.

Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.

Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: How old is your son-the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played horn for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, do they go up also?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.


Short jokes

Customer : Waiter, do you serve crabs? Waiter : Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.


Customer : Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?
Waiter : Can't you tell the difference by taste?
Customer : No, I can't.
Waiter : Then does it really matter?


Customer : Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup. Waiter : Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.


Customer : Waiter, there's a fly in my soup. Waiter : That's all right sir, he won't drink much.

Customer : Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup. Waiter : So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?


Customer : Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea up? Waiter : I wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.


Customer : Waiter, this soup tastes funny. Waiter : Funny? But then why aren't you laughing?


Lady : Is this my train?
Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady : Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New Delhi.
Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.


Teacher : Peter, why are you late for school again?
Peter : Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football and the game went into extra time.


Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.


A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery. The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order." The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you, your honor, I'll have a scotch and soda."


Customer : If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Delhi in two days time?
Post Master : Yes sir, it definitely will.
Customer : I bet you, it won't.
Post Master : Why not?
Customer : It's addressed to Mumbai.


An absent-minded man went to see a psychiatrist. 'My trouble is,' he said, 'that I keep forgetting things.' 'How long has this been going on?' asked the psychiatrist. 'How long has what been going on?' said the man.


Girl : Do you love me?
Boy : Yes Dear.
Girl : Would you die for me?
Boy : No, mine is undying love.


Ist thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions.


Man : How old is your father?
Boy : As old as me.
Man : How can that be?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born.


Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the field"
Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field
Teacher : How?
Student : Ladies first.


Waiter : I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer : Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.


Little Susie came running into the house after school one day, shouting, "Daddy! Daddy! I got a 100 in school today!" "That's great, Sweetheart," said her daddy. "Come in to the living room and tell me about it." "Well," began the confession, "I got 50 in spelling, 30 in math's and 20 in science."

The Man who answered the cell phone

A a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning group of men are sitting in a sauna discussing business and stocks when uddenly a cellular phone rings. One of them picks it up and answers it.
"Hi honey, are you at the club?"
"Yes, dear."
"Honey, you wn't believe this but I'm standing in front of Giovannis and there's a beautiful mink on sale in the window."
"How much is it, dear?"
"They're giving it away. Only $5,000. Can you believe it?"
"But don't you already have fur coats?"
"Please dear, it's absolutely exquisite!"
"Fine, fine. Go ahead and buy it!"
"Thank you, sweetheart. Oh, not to keep you much longer, I passed by the Mercedes dealership this morning and saw their new convertible. It was to die for! I talked to the salesman and the one in the showroom is brand new, leather seats, power everything, gold colored. What do you think?"
"Honey, come on, we already have cars!"
"You promised me that I could get a convertible!"
"How much is it?"
"You won't believe it but he said he'd let us have it for $85,000 fully loaded with all the options!" "Okay, okay. Go ahead and purchase it!"
"I love you. You're the best husband a wife could ask for. I hope I'm not pushing it, but remember our trip we took to Paris? Remember the Brown's place with the swimming pool and tennis courts? It's on the market to be sold. I saw it this morning at the Real Estate agency. If we bought it we would have a perfect place to stay during the cold winter months."
"I had actually thought about it. You say it's on the market?"
"Really? You were actually thinking about it? Can I go make an offer on it? You know it's not listed very high, and it would be perfect for our type of lifestyle."
"How much is it listed at?"
"Only $425,000, sweetheart. It's a steal!"
"I guess we've got money put away. Go ahead and make an offer, but no more than $415,000." "This is turning out to be a great day! Can't wait to see you later tonight to celebrate!"
"See you tonight, dear."
The man hangs up the cellular phone and asks.... "So, whose phone is this?"



Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees.

* A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.

* Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.

* Candidate fell and broke arm during interview.

* Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewers office.

* Candidate explained that her long-term goal was to replace the interviewer.

* Balding Candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a headpiece.

* Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.

* Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions.

* Candidate brought large dog to interview.

* Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up.

* Candidate dozed off during interview.

The employers were also asked to list the "most unusual" questions that have been asked by job candidates.

* "What is it that you people do at this company?"

* "What is the company motto?"

* "Why aren't you in a more interesting business?"

* "Why do you want references?"

* "Do I have to dress for the next interview?"

* "I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?"

* "Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?"

* "Does your health insurance cover pets?"

* "Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?"



A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: "May I see your driver's license?"
Driver: "I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI."
Officer: "May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?"
Driver: "It's not my car. I stole it."
Officer: "The car is stolen?"
Driver: "That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there."
Officer: "There's a gun in the glove box?"
Driver: "Yes sir. That's where I put it after shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk."
Officer: "There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?"
Driver: "Yes, sir."
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: "Sir, may I see your license?"
Driver: "Sure. Here it is." It was valid.
Captain: "Whose car is this?"
Driver: "It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card." The driver owned the car.
Captain: "Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?"
Driver: "Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it." Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box. Captain: "Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it."
Driver: "No problem." Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: "I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox and that there was a dead body in the trunk." Driver: "Really? Ain't that something? And I'll bet the lying sucker told you I was speeding, too..."


Top ten ways to harass a telemarketer

10. When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...."

9. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

8. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"

6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you are just about to file for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

5. Tell the telemarketer you are on 'home incarceration' and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.

4. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!"

2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

And, first and foremost:

1. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down...



On Red Sea crossing:

WETLANDS TRAMPLED IN LABOR STRIKEPursuing Environmentalists Killed

On David vs. Goliath:

HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION Psychologist Questions Influence of Rock

On Elijah on Mt. Carmel:


On the birth of Christ:

HOTELS FULL, ANIMALS LEFT HOMELESS Animal Rights Activists Enraged by Insensitive Couple

On feeding the 5,000:

PREACHER STEALS CHILD'S LUNCH Disciples Mystified Over Behavior

On healing the 10 lepers:

LOCAL DOCTOR'S PRACTICE RUINED "Faith Healer" Causes Bankruptcy

On healing of the Gadarene demoniac:

MADMAN'S FRIEND CAUSES STAMPEDE Local Farmer's Investment Lost

On raising Lazarus from the dead:




In Florida, an atheist became incensed over the preparation for Easter and Passover holidays and decided to contact the local ACLU about the discrimination inflicted on atheists by the constant celebrations afforded to Christians and Jews with all their holidays while the atheists had no holiday to celebrate.
The ACLU jumped on the opportunity to once again pick up the cause of the godless and assigned their sharpest attorneys to the case.
The case was brought before a wise judge who after listening to the long, passionate presentation of the ACLU lawyers, promptly banged his gavel and declared, "Case dismissed!"
The lead ACLU lawyer immediately stood and objected to the ruling and said, "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? Surely the Christians have Christmas, Easter and many other observances. And the Jews--why in addition to Passover they have Yom Kippur and Hanukkah ...and yet my client and all other atheists have no such holiday!"
The judge leaned forward in his chair and simply said "Obviously your client is too confused to know about, or for that matter, even celebrate the atheists' holiday!"
The ACLU lawyer pompously said "We are aware of no such holiday for atheists, just when might that be, your honor?"
The judge said "Well it comes every year on exactly the same date---April 1st!"
The fool says in his heart, "There is no God." - Psalm 14:1, Psalm 53:1



God created the mule, and told him, "You will be mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years."The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years.." And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years." And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years." And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years." And it was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years." And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 30 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so.

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 30 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren. And it is so !!


THE WEB ADDICTION SONG"(sung to the tune of "Winter Wonderland")

Doorbell rings, I'm not listnin'>
From my mouth, drool is glistnin'
I'm happy although my boss let me go
Happily addicted to the Web
All night long, I sit clicking
Unaware time is ticking
There's a beard on my cheek
Same clothes for a week
Happily addicted to the Web
Friends come by,
they shake me saying "Yo man!"
"Don't you know tonight's the senior prom?
"With a listless shrug I mutter "No man
I just discovered Mikey's Funnies dot com."
I don't phone, don't send faxes
Don't go out, don't pay taxes
Who cares if someday
They drag me away?
Happily addicted to the Web


Testimony of a married college student in bibilical language

In the fourth year of His Majesty Bush's august reign,the word of the Dean of the UNC School of Pharmacy came to Charity andsaid, "Lo, take thy husband, who worketh with the children of spittle and screams, and thy son and get thee from the Hill of the Chapel to a place I shall shew thee. Thou shalt go and livest in poverty with thy mother, whom some callest "Satana", and dwell in the bowels of her home,which some call the "Windowless Basement of Hell". And there shalt thou and thy family endure a time of tribulation and annoying chatter rained on thee from thy mother-in-law to prepare thyself for the riches of thy future salary."

At this, there was great weeping and gnashing of teeth. Yet, at the appointed time, being two weeks into the month of June, Charity and her family didst load a trailer and a truck with their belongings and didst travel the long and weary miles to fair Concord, and didst attempt to cram all their crap into the Windowless Basement of Hell (WBH). And it came to pass that the first calamity fell upon them. For lo, Charity's idiot spouse (whom some callest the "Yes Man" and some callest "He of the Flaming Underpants") didst misplace his wallet. And being misplaced, he did not know where it was. And not knowing where it was, he no longer had it in his possession. And verily, did it sucketh eggs. Yes,it suckdeth many rotten eggs, yes it did. Eth. Thus, did he order a duplicate license (which appropriately said "dup" on it) and didst order new bank and credit cards. And for some of these, he still waiteth.

On the fourth day after the terrible move the Yes Man did mount his steed of the two and fifty air conditioning and didstreturn to the Hill of the Chapel to clean his former abode and return the keys. And after many long hours of labor, and much stuffing of the steed with the leftover crap, he didst remount and make to return to the WBH. And it came to pass that the second calamity fell upon him, for as he drove, the rubber thingie which leads from the radiator to the engine (also known as "that worthless piece of ****") didst burst a mighty burst, and didst spray the engine with the water that was to keep it cool. And lo, Yes Man was driving 80 miles and hour and didst burn the **** out of the engine, for he did not see that the needle was somewhere between "**** hot" and "Center of the Sun." And when he didst smell the anti-freeze burning and see the needle making a second pass around the heatometer, he saidest, "Bloody hell!" and didst coast to the next gas station. But didst he notice in time? Needest we ask? Thus, didst he call and arrange for a new steed, and didst shoot the other in the head, the lame-*** nag! Now doth he contemplate the bus route in despair.

On the morn of the following day didst Charity commence washing clothes. And it came to pass that the third calamity fell upon them. For as the clothes were cleaned, lo, the sewage did backeth up, and didst vomit forth from every available hole in the WBH. And, yea, the bathtub filled to the brim with excrement, but did not spill (although it was a devil of a time getting it back down the drain). Alas, however, the toilet was neither deep, nor wide, and verily I say unto thee, a lake of liquid crap filled the bathroom, and great and stencheous fumes filled the WBH, and the unfortunate family fled with a great flee to the abode of Satana (though there was some discussion about which was worse). And from that day the WBH was renamed the "**** Pit" and few travel near its pungent odority.

Thus, did Yes Man and Co. pack up, yet again, and move all their crap to a new abode. And they saw that when you flushed,the poopie and pee-pee stayed where they putted it, and, lo, it was good. And they saw that Satana was a full ten minutes away and, lo, it was good. And they saw that they were on the third floor and all that stuff would have to be lugged up all those stairs and, lo, that suckdeth eggs. But it did not sucketh rotten eggs which, lo, was good after all! And, verily, Yes Man smiled as he carried his dryer up all three flights of stairs in his arms, yes he did. Eth. And he didst get a job as a herald of pizza at Father Johnathan?s until he started teaching. And that was O.K. too.


Tax Cuts - A Simple Lesson In Economics

Let's put tax cuts in terms everyone can understand. Suppose that every day, ten men go out for dinner. The bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this: The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing. The fifth would pay $1. The sixth would pay $3. The seventh $7. The eighth $12. The ninth $18. The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59. So, that's what they decided to do. The ten men ate dinner in the restaurant every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve. "Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily meal by $20." So, now dinner for the ten only cost $80. The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes. So, the first four men were unaffected. They would still eat for free. But what about the other six, the paying customers? How could they divvy up the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his 'fair share'? The six men realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being 'PAID' to eat their meal. So, the restaurant owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay. And so: The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings). The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% savings). The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 (28% savings). The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings). The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings). The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings). Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to eat for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings. "I only got a dollar out of the $20," declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man "but he got $10!" "Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a dollar, too. It's unfair that he got ten times more than me!" "That's true!!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $10 back when I got only $2? The wealthy get all the breaks!" "Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison. "We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!" The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up. The next night the tenth man didn't show up for dinner, so the nine sat down and ate without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill! And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up at the table anymore. There are lots of good restaurants in Europe and the Caribbean.



Bob and the Lord stood by to observe a baseball game. The Lord's team was playing Satan's team. The Lord's team was at bat,the score was tied zero to zero, and it was the bottom of the 9th inning with two outs.

They continued to watch as a batter stepped up to the plate whose name was Love. Love swung at the first pitch and hit asingle, because Love never fails.
The next batter was named Faith, who also got a single because Faith works with Love.
The next batter up was named Godly Wisdom. Satan wound up and threw the first pitch. Godly Wisdom looked it over and let itpass: Ball one. Three more pitches and Godly Wisdom walked, because Godly Wisdom never swings at what Satan throws.
The bases were now loaded. The Lord then turned to Bob and told him He was now going to bring in His star player.
Up to the plate stepped Grace. Bob said, "He sure doesn't look like much!"
Satan's whole team relaxed when they saw Grace. Thinking he had won the game, Satan wound up and fired his first pitch. To the shock of everyone, Grace hit the ball harder than anyone had ever seen.
But Satan was not worried; his center fielder let very few get by. He went up for the ball, but it went right through hisglove, hit him on the head and sent him crashing on the ground; then it continued over the fence for a home run!
The Lord's team won. The Lord then asked Bob if he knew why Love, Faith and Godly Wisdom could get on base but could not winthe game.
Bob answered that he did not know why.
The Lord explained, "If your love, faith, and wisdom had won the game you would think you had done it by yourself. Love,Faith and Wisdom will get you on base but, only My Grace can get you Home.


Difference between hymns and praise choruses

An old farmer went to the city one weekend and attended the big city church. He came home and his wife asked him how it was.
"Well," said the farmer, "It was good. They did something different, however. They sang praise choruses instead of hymns."
"Praise choruses," said his wife, "What are those?" "Oh, they're okay. They're sort of like hymns, only different," said the farmer. "Well, what's the difference?" asked his wife.
The farmer said, "Well it's like this - If I were to say to you: 'Martha, the cows are in the corn,' well that would bea hymn. If, on the other hand, I were to say to you:

Martha Martha, Martha, Oh, Martha, MARTHA, MARTHA,the cows, the big cows, the brown cows, the black cows,the white cows, the black and white cows,the COWS, COWS, COWS are in the corn,are in the corn, are in the corn, are in the corn, the CORN, CORN, CORN,

Then, if I were to repeat the whole thing two or three times, well that would be a praise chorus."

Alternatively...A young, new Christian attended the small town church one week end. He came home and his wife asked him how it was.
"Well," said the young man, "It was good. They did something different, however. They sang hymns instead of regular songs."
"Hymns," said his wife, "What are those?" "Oh, they're okay. They're sort of like regular songs, only different," said the young man. "Well, what's the difference?" asked his wife.
The young man said, "Well it's like this - If I were to say to you, 'Martha, the cows are in the corn,' well that would bea regular song. If, on the other hand, I were to say to you:

Oh Martha, dear Martha, hear thou my cryInclinest thine ear to the words of my mouth.
Turn thou thy whole wondrous ear by and byTo the righteous, inimitable, glorious truth.
For the way of the animals who can explainThere in their heads is no shadow of sense,
Hearkenest they in God's sun or his rainUnless from the mild, tempting corn they are fenced.

Yea those cows in glad bovine, rebellious delight,Have broke free their shackles, their warm pens eschewed.
Then goaded by minions of darkness and nightThey all my mild Chilliwack sweet corn have chewed.
So look to that bright shining day by and by,Where all foul corruptions of earth are reborn.
Where no vicious animal makes my soul cryAnd I no longer see those foul cows in the corn.

Then, if I were to do only verses one, three, and four and do a key change on the last verse, well that would be a hymn."



The Lord spoke to Noah and said, "Noah, in six months I am going to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark." And, in a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for the ark.
"OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints, "I'm your man."
"Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You better have my ark completed or learn to swim for a long, longtime!"
Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping, and there was no ark.
"Noah!" shouted the Lord, "where is My ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside Noah.
"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were some big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the ark's construction, but your plans did not meet their code. So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a long argument with him about whether to include a fire-sprinkler system."
"My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning ordinances by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to geta variance from the city planning board."
"Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl.I tried to convince the environmentalists and the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn't let me catch them, so no owls."
"Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two ofeach kind."
"Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being."
"Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe!"
"Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission over how many minorities I'msupposed to hire."
"The IRS has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to leave the country, and I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of use tax. Really, I don't think I can finish the ark in less than five years."
With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky.
Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you are not going to destroy the world?" he asked hopefully.
"No," said the Lord, "the government already has."


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